Passed Past

Leave me alone!
I'm sick of you!
All you do is nag and complain!
You're so damn needy!
You demand excessive amounts of my attention.
And the worst part?  I give it to you.

Why do I keep doing this?
I accept the fact you were part of my life...but we broke up!
Can't we just move on and be cordial?

I keep lying for you...
I keep withholding for you...
I keep hiding for you...
I keep failing for you...
I keep (attempting) to impress for you...
I keep defending you...
I keep missing out...all so you won't hurt me!
Why does my crying excite you?
Some cowardly part of me is still terrified of you and you know it.
And some sick part of me gets off on the fear, misery, and torture you inflict.

Over and over and over again!

I can't help but re-over-analyze you in my head, to my friends, to my family, in my writing, in my talking, in my crying, and in my screaming.

I hate how I let you control me!

No matter how much I think I've put you behind me and officially passed you by...  No matter how many times I convince myself I've moved on...  No matter what I do, you always creep back into my life and wreak havoc.

Does this mean I'm not where I thought?  What am I missing?  Where am I in this continuum?  What do I need to do to keep you where you belong so you'll stop ruining my Now?

Have I not fully confronted you?
Have I not faced you head on like I thought I have...over and over and over again...?
Which one of us has the unresolved business?
...and what on earth will resolve it?!

I don't want to talk about you any more.  I don't want to think about you any more.  I deserve to think of happier things.  I would much rather waste my time on anything else but you.

I went through your colic-like torment to get where I am Now.  And you won't let me forget it.  Do you need a thank-you letter or a reward?  Do you want some sort of compensation?  Do you feel entitled to torturously remind me how you made me who I am?  Who is the victim here, anyway?  Just because you're miserable doesn't mean I have to be miserable with you!

I'm sick of your pity party.
Get over yourself.
Just die.
I deserve better than you.
Let me get on with my life; I can't keep waiting to live.

Now where was I...?

Those of you on Facebook, "Follow" me at http://jasonhoggan.blogspot.com/.

"My Humps" by Alanis Morissette (Black Eyed Peas Cover)

Hilarious.  Yes, I know I'm a dork for loving this.  You are too.  (I apologize if you see a commercial at the beginning of this.  Finding a good quality video of this hilariousness was far too difficult.)

Here's the Black Eyed Peas original version:

It's really a tossup as to which one is better, huh?

Those of you on Facebook, "Follow" me at http://jasonhoggan.blogspot.com/.

All this tiredness is making me sleepy.

I'm tired of being treated differently.
I'm so over being an exception.
I'm sick of everything I say and do being new, different, and "outside the box."

I'm spent making statements - political, social, religious...  

I'm done being "special." *gag* 

I'm tired of dodging possibly intellectual conversations.
I'm annoyed by the clumsy small talk.
I've had it with being the elephant in the room.
I'm worn out by my constantly burning ears.

I'm exhausted from hesitating.

I'm tired of being "abnormal."

I've had it up to here being called "homosexual."

I'm burnt out calling him "just a friend."

I'm disgusted with being your "gay friend."

I'm fed up with being the resident "gay couple."

I'm tired of being marginalized.

I'm tired of being classified. 

I'm tired of being compared - to gays, straights, and everyone in between...

I'm tired of being discriminated.

I'm tired of being stereotyped.

I'm tired of being an agenda.

I'm Jason.

Those of you on Facebook, "Follow" me at http://jasonhoggan.blogspot.com/.

"So Unsexy [Vancouver Sessions 2004]" by Alanis Morissette

We spend, or should I say, waste so much time letting other people get us down.  We spend so much time trying to please everyone else.  We spend so much time trying to impress the world.  We spend so much time over-analyzing innocent comments into deflating insults that make us feel So Unsexy, so unloved, so boring, and so ignorant.  When will we start staying with ourselves instead?

Here is Alanis Morissette's "So Unsexy."  The first version here is acoustic and was recorded as part of a Sessions gig Alanis did in Vancouver in 2004.  I actually heard this acoustic version before I heard the original and fell in love with it.

Below the acoustic version is a performance of the original version which you will see has much more of a rock feel to it than the more tame, yet (in my opinion) more powerful acoustic rendition.  As always, lyrics provided below.

Hope you like it.  :-)

Acoustic:

Performance of Original (because a performance is more entertaining than a still pictures):

"So Unsexy" - Alanis Morissette

Oh these little rejections how they add up quickly
One small sideways look and I feel so ungood
Somewhere along the way I think I gave you the power to make
Me feel the way I thought only my father could

Oh these little rejections how they seem so real to me
One forgotten birthday I'm all but cooked
How these little abandonments seem to sting so easily
I'm 13 again am I 13 for good?

I can feel so unsexy for someone so beautiful
So unloved for someone so fine
I can feel so boring for someone so interesting
So ignorant for someone of sound mind

Oh these little protections how they fail to serve me
One forgotten phone call and I'm deflated
Oh these little defenses how they fail to comfort me
Your hand pulling away and I'm devastated

I can feel so unsexy for someone so beautiful
So unloved for someone so fine
I can feel so boring for someone so interesting
So ignorant for someone of sound mind

When will you stop leaving baby?
When will I stop deserting baby?
When will I start staying with myself?

Oh these little projections how they keep springing from me
I jump my ship as I take it personally
Oh these little rejections how they disappear quickly
The moment I decide not to abandon me

I can feel so unsexy for someone so beautiful
So unloved for someone so fine
I can feel so boring for someone so interesting
So ignorant for someone of sound mind

Jason 

Those of you on Facebook, "Follow" me at http://jasonhoggan.blogspot.com/.

     
     

MONO Lessons (Part XIV: 271- 299)

Meditatively Obtained, Novel, and Observational (MONO) Lessons

---

271. I think someone has ADD…

272. Almond Breeze is my favorite milk replacement.  Mmmm

273. They make butters other than peanut butter.

274. Oats are a major topic of conversation.  Especially among Celiacs.

275. Immune systems are actually supposed to stop a cold from taking over your body.  Mine did that for the first time in years!  Hooray!

276. The Stanford Prison Experiment.  Ryan and I rocked this thing.

277. Gluten antibodies attack and chop down the villi in my small intestines.  Lactase, the enzyme that breaks down lactose, is created in the tip of the villi.  Hence, I will seem “lactose intolerant” until my villi grow back.

278. “Wheat-free” does NOT infer “gluten-free.”

279. Blogging is like a disease.  A rather contagious disease.

280. I’m a gatekeeper.

281. I live my life as an oxymoron.  I love oxymorons and paradoxes.

282. Mayonnaise is evil.  Of the devil, if you will.

283. I am eternally grateful for my past.  Without it, I wouldn’t be where I am now.

284. I am infinitely relieved to have made it through the reconciliation brawl physically alive, psychologically intact, mentally resilient, and spiritually affirmed.

285. “He’s not cute enough to be gay!” – SH.  I then burst out laughing.

286. Late at night, even regular humans can suddenly become cute, cuddly zombies.

287. I attached to UTemps like it was a person…

288. These tremendously complex bodies are bound to have a few minor errors.

289. Slumdog Millionaire is simply unbelievable and moves me in a way no movie ever has.

290. Really.  It’s not me!  It’s everybody else…. Trust me.

291. It’s not fair.  And that will continue to resonate in my mind.  It’s simply not fair.

292. Outback is a GF Mecca.  P.F. Chang's can be Mecca #2.

293. I think about them every single day…

294. “When in doubt, leave it out.” – Danna Korn from Living Gluten-Free for Dummies

295. Gluten could be the answer behind everything.

296. Some servers can really surprise me with their gluten-free skill and memory.  Really, though, he should have written it all down…I’m complicated.

297. I will meet my soul mate at Whole Foods.  I’m convinced.  See “Aaron the Whole Foods Boy."

298. Windows 7 doesn’t like power outages.

299. That said, F6 is the secret, magical, earth-saving button.

Jason

Those of you on Facebook, "Follow" me at http://jasonhoggan.blogspot.com/.

---