10 Things You Say & Ask That Are 10x More Offensive Than You Even Realize

Many would expect my first blog back from a month-long European excursion would have something to do with Europe...maybe even just a little.

This is not that blog.

Here are ten things you say and ask that are ten times more offensive than you even realize.

Enjoy!

1.  "Homo"

This word is like the "N-word" - just as it is oddly appropriate for one black person to call another black person the N-word, it is also oddly appropriate for one gay person to call another gay person a homo. If you're straight, you are automatically disqualified from using that word without it being offensive.

2.  "Fag"

Sometimes people think this word is like the "N-word." But it's not. This word is offensive no matter who says it - gay, straight, or otherwise. It's sole purpose is to be offensive. So, if you never want me to speak to you, make eye contact with you, or even acknowledge your existence any more, by all means, call me a fag.

3.  "So, who's the woman in the relationship?"

This question is infuriating and the explanation why is rather long, so hang in there. We must first start with a discussion on gender. What is gender - innate or learned? Most gender studies experts will tell you that the concept of gender is a societal phenomenon, meaning gender constructs (stereotypes) are created by the society at large and then projected onto each individual in the society. For example, it seems that boys play with trucks and girls play with dolls because society says so, not because that is necessarily the toy they truly want to play with.

The next discussion involves heteronormativity. We live in a heteronormative culture, meaning it is expected, essentially from birth, that boys are attracted to girls and girls are attracted to boys. Laws of marriage are an example of heteronormativity in our government. Our culture feels compelled, then, to compare everything not conforming to heteronormativity to their heteronormative experiences and stereotypes.

This is where we get to the offensiveness of questioning a member of a gay couple as to which one of them is the "woman" in the relationship: the obvious answer, and the correct answer, is NEITHER OF THEM. One of the requirements of being gay is that both members of the gay couple must be the same gender. That's kind of the point behind identifying as such.

3.1. "But you know what I mean...one is always more feminine..."

That may sometimes be true with your heteronormative definitions of "masculine" and "feminine," but you must know by now that most gays don't care much for gender stereotypes and almost definitely don't have the same archaic and ignorant view of gender as you.

Take a moment and ask yourself if you think gender is black and white with no gray. In my opinion, there is plenty of gray area - gender is a gradient of personality characteristics and ways in which one identifies with themself.  Did you know there are even some cultures that classify gays as a third gender? 

In short, we don't appreciate having your heteronormative way of thought imposed on our relationships. In my case, my BOYfriend and I both identify as male, and that's that. Have some respect.

4. "Are you the top or the bottom?"

This question is only (sometimes) appropriate for one gay to ask another gay. The question implies a lot of gender stereotypes when asked by a straight person. No, the top is not the "man" in the relationship and the bottom is not the "woman." Refer to number 3.

5.  "...gay friend..."

5.1. "I love having you as my gay friend!" OR "You're/He's my best gay friend!"

If you can't simply refer to me as your "friend," I'm sure as hell not going to be your "gay friend."

5.2. "I have a gay friend!"

Also, the fact that you might have a "gay friend" doesn't mean you and I are instantly friends nor does it undo any possible homophobia you possess.

5.2.1. "You would love my gay friend!"

Nor does it mean I need to be set up with your "gay friend."

6.  "No homo."

This pretty much explains it all:

7. "That's so gay."

"When say 'That's so gay,' do you realize what you say? Knock it off."

8. "Homosexual"

Strangely enough, the Safe Schools Coalition of Washington's Glossary for School Employees best describes this outrageously outdated term for what it really is:  offensive.

"Avoid this term; it is clinical, distancing, and archaic. Sometimes appropriate in referring to behavior (although same-sex is the preferred adjective). When referring to people, as opposed to behavior, homosexual is considered derogatory and the terms gay and lesbian are preferred..."

"Homosexual" focuses all attention on sex.  It's like the word becomes

homosexual.

Personally, I'm used to seeing this word in Mormon stuff on "same-sex attraction" or "SSA."  (Another term I find offensive.)  The Church, at one time, focused their anti-gay literature on sex.  Sex sex sex.  Since sex is taboo in general in the LDS Church, GAY sex is the ultimate taboo, so using words like

homosexual or same-sex attraction

remind the reader how bad it is to be a homosexual.  So now I know, If you use this word, you don't know what you're talking about and your words have no merit.  Being gay involves a lot more than just sex.

9.  "*offensive-foot-in-mouth-shit*...Oh you know what I mean!"

You know what?  I don't know what you mean.

In gay culture, word choice means a lot.  What's in a word?  Well, you can't call me a fag, but you can call me gay.  You can't call me a homo, but my boyfriend can call me a homo.  Nobody can call me a faggot, but you can sometimes call me queer.  But you sure as hell better not call me a homosexual.  I'm gay.  Get the idea?

There are a lot of words thrown around to describe or identify LGBTQ... people.  Some are universally offensive while some are nichely offensive (see that word I invented there?).  Some words aren't necessarily offensive, but better ones could be used in their place.

Both gays and straights could use some practice in honoring a person's chosen identity labels.  For example, I identify as a gay man.  That's a pretty boring statement if you've never been compelled to question your sexual orientation or gender before.  But for those of us that have, we know a statement like that is existence defining.  I know I am a man in a male body who is attracted to men.  I feel lucky to have never struggled with my gender identity, just my sexual identity.  Dealing with both sounds like a burden I couldn't handle.

All I'm trying to say here is to think before you speak.  Take your time and choose your words.  If you're unsure of how to say something as to not offend, then ASK.  Don't stick your foot in your mouth and expect a simple "You know what I mean!" to make up for it.

10.  Shit Girls Say To Gay Guys

And lastly, everything in this video: