How do you do this to me?

How do you do this to me?
How can I hate your hurtful heart,
But sigh for your smell on my sheets?
How can I loath your lousy lies,
But crave your counterfeit concurrence?
How can I despise your desperate devotion,
But pine for your perpetual and palpable presence?

How do you do this to me?
Since when did I hand you my reins?
This is my life to live,
Not yours to subliminally destroy.
Since when did my brain
Allow thoughts of you to drain
My will, my power to let go?
How do you do this to me?

Why do I do this to me?
Why do I let this good-for-nothin' guilt
Cloud my already cockeyed comprehension?
Why do I fantasize the future we were facing,
Instead of soul-searching and stabilizing my self?
Why do I desire a darling,
But have a forever fleeting focus?

Why do I do this to me?
Since when did I lose control of my reins?
This is my life to live,
Not yours to subliminally control.
Since when did my brain
Allow thoughts of you to drain
My will, my power to let go?
How do you do this to me?

How do I forget your love?
How do I leave behind my own?
I'll never forget our years together.
The memories have pierced my soul.
But, it's over.
I miss you and will always love you.

How do you do this to me?
Since when did I hand you my reins?
This is my life to live,
Not yours to subliminally control.
Since when did my brain
Allow thoughts of you to drain
My will, my power to let go?
How do you do this to me?

How do you do this to me?

How do you do this to me?

Goodbye.

MONO Lessons (Part XXI: 420 - 439)

Meditatively Obtained, Novel, and Observational (MONO) Lessons

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420. I don’t know what to do with my last name if/when I get married.  But I do know “Hoggan” won’t be leaving.  It’s far too awesome.

421. I want an equation, variable, or unit named after me.  “Then we take the Hoggan Cross Section…”  “Find the Hoggan wavelength of…”  “So after the algebra, we are left with 7 Hoggans…”  Yes.

422. Opera is not my thing.

423. “Little Women” is just a boring story.  Jo, grow up.

424. I should probably become a model.  It may be my true calling in life.

425. Depressed and anxious people shouldn’t have to split their depression and anxiety pills.  We need more size variety!

426. Seeing a car flip over in front of you due to another car running a red light causes intersection anxiety.

427. I’m in love.  He drives me insane, but I love him.  I’m in love.

428. I can go months without talking to someone and still know when they’re pulling an April Fools joke.

429. Gay marriage would be legal if it weren’t illegal.  Think about it.  That thought isn’t as stupid as it sounds.

430. Fortune cookies are disgusting.

431. Domes of fudge are splendid.

432. Hemorrhoids suck.

433. Sucker Punch…possibly too awesome?

434. Buckwheat is nasty.  Even in maple-glazed cold cereal form.

435. I will never need to purchase an obnoxiously large, loud, and window-tinted truck to make up for any lack of “manhood,” thank you.

436. I don’t drink enough water.

437. I’m a meat-eating vegan.  A carnivorous vegan, if you will.  …Aaaaaand you will.

438. When I get an intense blog idea, move out of the way.

439. I like butt chins.

Mirror Mirror

"Trust is like a mirror. You can fix it if it's broke, but you can still see the crack in that mother f***ing reflection." - SMT

How do you repair a mirror smashed into 64 billion pieces?

I guess the answer is: carefully...and with gloves so you don't cut yourself.

I forgot the gloves in my haste.

Once the mirror smashed, my first reaction was to hurry and put it back together as to see clearly again as soon as possible. But I cut up my hands and bled all over the poorly reconfigured puzzle. I couldn't see any clearer.

Crap. Now I have to re-break it if there's any hope of seeing clearly.

*smash*crash*crunch*

I can't do this again. I quit.

Trust forever betrayed.
Forgiveness never in sight.
Forever bandaging the wounds.
Never healing.
Always hurting.
Always bleeding.
What a mess.

Don't Be So Hard

"Don't be so hard on yourself."
It's not attractive.
It's not productive.

Your darkest bruises are from your own mind.

Do the blotches and scars help you heal?
Do they help you forget?
How about forgive?
Move on?
Or do they help you remember to punish yourself every second of every day?
To look in the mirror with pure hatred and disgust?
To regret what you did?
What you said?
What you didn't do?
What you didn't say?
Do they help you remember what you lost?
Do they help you remember how much you fucked up?

Don't be so hard on yourself.

Do the track marks lead you to any happiness?
Or only to more sorrow and depression?

Did you ever think you might enjoy the pain and drama more than peace and calm? What an unpleasant, painful way to live.

Lighten up. Live a little. Step out of your comfort corner.

Don't be so hard on yourself.