"Destructive" by LeAnn Rimes

This is one of my very favorite angry, I-hate-the-world, leave-me-alone-I'm-raging-pissed songs.  For me, it's all in the lyrics and vocals.  For others, it's in screaming and loud noises.  Those of you that prefer screaming and loud noises may not appreciate this song the same way I do, but that's okay.  Anyway, I got SO excited when I found out she was performing a sessions-type version of this song for Live on Abbey Road.  Ever since I first heard this song on her album Whatever We Wanna, I wanted to see her passion when performing it.

Here, LeAnn talks about the song.

Her is the performance; lyrics provided below.

"Destructive" - LeAnn Rimes

If I could smoke a cigarette right now, I would
Rip out of my skin, commit the sins, oh I could
If I could break a heart and throw it all away for just one night
My conscience wouldn't care if I just went ahead and wrecked my life.

I want to be destructive
Trash everything in site
Beat the Devil at his game
Abuse myself all night
I want to bitch the world out
One loud aching scream
Don't want anybody wanting anything from me

Yeah, yeah…

I'm sick of being perfect
With your perfect little smile
Pick a fight with danger
Be a stranger to myself for a while
I want to come unraveled
And have it out with my soul
I'm tired of all the voices telling me which way to go,
I wish you'd silence your opinion
That's the last thing that I want to know

I want to be destructive
Trash everything in site
Beat the Devil at his game
Abuse myself all night
I want to bitch the world out
One loud aching scream
Don't want anybody wanting anything from me

I'll fell better when I'm sane
But now I want to feel no pain
I'm really sick of thinking
I just want to be destructive

Oh, oh, oh…yeah…

I want to be destructive
Trash everything in site
Beat the Devil at his game
Abuse myself all night
I want to bitch the world out
One loud aching scream
Don't want anybody wanting anything from me

Yeah, yeah…

Jason

Those of you on Facebook, "Follow" me at http://jasonhoggan.blogspot.com/.

Why free-verse poetry?

You may have asked yourself, "Why does Jason write so much in a free-verse poetic style?"  The answer is the word "free."  I write full-fledged papers and essays for school...not for fun and definitely not for blogs...not when I'm free to write whatever I want, how I want it.

It's nice to not be forced to fully explain my thoughts in ways coherent to people other than me.  Free-verse leaves at least some of the interpretation up to the reader.  It leaves a pinch of mystery.  It's a conversation starter.  "So what did you mean when you said..."

So again, "Why does Jason write so much in a free-verse poetic style?"  Why not rhyming poetry?  Or just rambling paragraphs?  I don't really know.  Well, I actually borderline hate rhyming, so I know the answer to that one, but the rambling paragraphs?  I think the formatting and structure of a poem can say as much as the poem's words.  Rambling paragraphs are just that - rambling paragraphs with no structure, no meaning in the layout, no attention to detail, no suggestions for how the piece ought to be read.  Solution: free-verse poetry.  Maybe I should have written this more like a poem...

The end.

Jason 

Those of you on Facebook, "Follow" me at http://jasonhoggan.blogspot.com/.

Primaries

So...it's primary election day.

GO VOTE!!!!!

Jason 

Those of you on Facebook, "Follow" me at http://jasonhoggan.blogspot.com/.

What to do...what to do?

I have desires burning deep inside my soul.
They burn so hot and so real...
     My flesh tingles and flushes, 
     My eyes swell and drip,
     My vocal cords seize and scream.

Physics, psychology, math, poly sci, astronomy, photography...
Have I chosen the right thing?

     I want to make a difference.
     I want to speak out.
     I want to speak up.  

But I'm terrified to do more than I already am.
What to do...what to do?

Do I want to be an "activist?"

What is an activist?

Am I already one?

     Can a physics major be a gay activist?

     A gay Mormon activist?

     A gay Mormon physics major activist?

Is that allowed?

Is it dangerous?

Is it treacherous to pursue?

Which side is more threatening anyway?

Of whom should I be more wary?
     Both?
     Neither?
     Have I already ruffled everyone's feathers?

Fence-sitting sounds so simple...

But it's not that easy.

     I still have fears.

     I still hesitate before saying I'm gay.

     I even hesitate before saying I'm Mormon. 

I have friends who don't understand, 

But who let me do my own thing;

No questions asked.

     Why don't they ask questions?

     With which part do they not agree?

It's exhausting to continually tailor my words

According to my company...

Do you know me?
Do you really know me?
Who do you think I am?
     Honestly.
I'm sorry, but,
     "You don’t know me,
      You don’t know me at all.
      You don’t know me,
      You don’t know me AT ALL."

I feel stuck.

Out of place.

Always wanting more gay friends...

     More straight friends...

     More Mormon friends...

     More gay Mormon friends...

                                              Who feel and think the way I do,

                                                   Truly,

                                              Not because it's the "right answer"

                                                   Or they can't make up their mind...
                        Who doesn't "really just want to watch each other sleep...
                        ...Sleep sleep sleep."

     More friends to occupy and distract my thoughts

From wandering and wondering what I wonder...

What to do...what to do?

I want to be in love.

I want to be head-over-heels.

I want to be wooed.

I want to want to woo.

I want a hand to hold. 

I want to care and not care.

When will I meet him?
Have I already met him?
Will I find him at school?
Work?
 Through a friend?

Would acting on my activism help me find my partner in crime?

                    I want to have the courage...                                                            

                    I want to have the strength...                                                           

                    I want to have the drive...                                                               

                    I want to have the reason...                                                             

                    I want to have the security...                                                           

                    I want to have the voice...                                                              

                    I want to have the sense...                                                              

                    I want to have the stamina...                                                           

                    I want to have the energy...                                                            

                    I want to have the support...                                                           

                    I want to have the enthusiasm...                                                      

                    I want to have the confidence...                                                      

to

                                                                                             end the hate.

                                                                                    end the ignorance.

                                                                                           end the abuse.

                                                                                         end the disgust.

                                                                                 end the self-loathing.

                                                                                               end the lies.

                                                                                        end the suicides.

                                                                                  end the helplessness.

                                                                                 end the hopelessness.
                                                                                        end the excuses.
                                                                                           end the doubt.
                                                                                             end the fear.

What to do...what to do?

Fearlessly be myself.

Jason 

Those of you on Facebook, "Follow" me at http://jasonhoggan.blogspot.com/.

MONO Lessons (Part XI: 209-228)

Meditatively Obtained, Novel, and Observational (MONO) Lessons

---

209. It’s January 27, 2010, and to be honest, I don’t really think I have mono any more.  However, things aren’t back to normal.  My appetite is odd, my sleep cycle is odd…I just feel odd.  I think I have food allergies that are prolonging everything.

210. Whether I still have mono or not, I keep learning things, so I think I should continue my mono lessons list – both for personal reasons and for the sake of blog entertainment.  In case I don’t actually have mononucleosis (symptoms) any more, MONO Lessons will stand for Meditatively Obtained, Novel, and Observational Lessons.  That’s what these silly lessons really are, anyway. ☺

211. I’m grateful I took Foundations of Analysis…?!?  What?!?

212. Valentine’s Day comes to mind much sooner when it appears you’ll actually have a valentine.

213. 55” of TV is a LOT of TV.

214. There are few things that will keep me up until 4am.  Tennis is one of them.

215. I get extremely offended when my petition is denied.

216. Attraction is SO complicated!  And it dictates our thoughts and feelings about absolutely everyone!

217. I actually can get my blood drawn with out totally freaking out.

218. Just being in the University Hospital makes me extremely happy.

219. Hospital cafeteria food is better than Union food.  And cheaper.  And more healthy.

220. The Green shuttle doesn’t stop at the Union, only Red and Blue do.

221. Atenolol makes being nervous so much more bearable.

222. School is “easier” when unemployed.

223. Alec Woodbury and Allie Wall have the same initials!!!

224. Leaping zombies are the best.

225. There are certain people with whom I should not be alone for an extended period of time.  Specifically while school is going.

226. We’re literally writing the next page of our life novel right now; “the rest is still unwritten.”

227. Slaps in the face are rather enlightening for both parties – the slappee and the slapper.

228. I would SO much rather get a free Grand Slam at Denny’s on my 21st birthday than get drunk.

Jason

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"First Train Home" by Imogen Heap

Here, Imogen Heap (check out her MySpace Page) summarizes the context of her song "First Train Home." She is giving her description moments before the song's first play on US radio. Remember the part about the party...that will come up again. After it airs for the first time, Immi describes how it feels.

---

This is the official music video for "First Train Home" with the lyrics provided below.

 

"First Train Home" - Imogen Heap

Bodies disengaged, our mouths are fleshing over.
It's just an echo game, irises retreating to ovals of white.
The urge to feel your face, and blood rushing to paint my hand print.
A Frisbee one by one; your vinyl on laminate, just prefer some kind of contact.

First train home, I've got to get on it.
First train home, I've got to get on it.
First train home, I've got to get on it.
Got to catch, to catch, to catch-catch, catch.
First train home, I've got to get on it.
First train home, I've got to get on it.
First train home, I've got to get on it.
First Train home

Temporal dead-zone where clocks are barely breathing.
Yet no one cares to notice for all the yelling, all night clamor to hold it together.
I want to play--don't wait--forms in the hideaway
I want to get on with getting on with things
I want to run in fields, paint the kitchen, and love someone
And I can't do any of that here, can I?

First train home, I've got to get on it.
First train home, I've got to get on it.
First train home, I've got to get on it.
First train home.

So what? You've had one too many.
So what? I'm not that much fun to be with.
So what? You've come silly hatter.
So what? I didn't want to come here, anyway.

What matters you, doesn't matter, matter to me.
What matters to me, doesn't matter, matter to you.
What matters to you, doesn't matter, matter to them.
What matters to them, doesn't change anything.

Got to get on it.
First train home.
Got to get on it.
First train home.

First train home I've got to get on it
(I've got to get on it)
Got to catch, to catch, to catch-catch, catch.
(First train home)
First train home I've got to get on it
First train home.
(First train home)
Got to, Got to, Got to, Got to, Get, Get, Get, Get, Out, Out, Out, Out, Now, Now, Now, Now.

---

Now that you have seen the "official" video, take a look at the alternate video called "Imm's Party Version." Remember her mentioning that party in that first clip? Here's what Imogen has to say about this version of the video:

"This is the First Train Home alternative video I directed. I came up with the idea in a cab on the way home late one night and filmed it the next week.

"It's shot in the room I wrote the song in, which is above my studio where I recorded Ellipse. It's me and a load of my friends I borrowed for the day to boss around.
...
"So many of you have been following and getting involved in Ellipse...[that] it felt wrong to do a video that was so impersonal which I felt the original one was. Even a bit cold and detached. This new video won't win any awards but I felt I wanted to make it. Some of the people dancing about have been around me so much during the making of Ellipse.
...
"... Good times. Hope you enjoy it. The odd thing of course is that this is my IDEAL party and not at all the party I was singing about...which I desperately didn't want to be a part of...and got on the first train out of Brighton to get away from it."

Enjoy.

 

---

This song is a masterpiece. It is obvious that each millisecond of this track has Imogen's heart and soul in it. Each moment has such meticulous detail. It's simply beautiful from the beginning hints of a railroad to the rather abrupt ending.

By the way, Imogen recently won a Grammy for her album Ellipse. I highly recommend buying it. ;-)  This is one of the best albums I've heard.

Can't wait to see you again tonight, Immi!  You're brilliant!

Jason

Those of you on Facebook, "Follow" me at http://jasonhoggan.blogspot.com/.

       

 

One Year Ago Today...

One year ago today...

I started getting a "cold"...
                                         Which turned into a "sinus infection"...
                                                                                                    Mono the whole time
I'd only had my blood drawn twice in 20 years
I had never regularly broken out in hives
My heart arrhythmia was as common as a Venus transit
All tea tasted like hay
The "Mono Lessons" began to occur but were not yet being documented
"Tired" had a completely different meaning

I had a great job
I had the most incredible coworkers
I was taking my first business trip
We were as strong as ever
We were beginning to truly bond
The end was at least 2 years away
                                                   ...not 6 months

Life wasn't as hemorrhoidy and didn't sting
Life wasn't as bloated
Life wasn't as constipated
But it was a bit...irregular
I ate whatever the hell I wanted
I weighed 170 lbs

I wasn't as experienced
I wasn't as empathetic
I wasn't as forgiving
Lisa hadn't yet changed my life
I wasn't as patient
I wasn't as friendly
I wasn't as mindful

I didn't know I'd be so happy to have the last year behind me

...one year ago today.

Jason 

Those of you on Facebook, "Follow" me at http://jasonhoggan.blogspot.com/.

Jack Who?

These are two of my favorite paintings by Jack Vettriano.  Why do they intrigue me so?  Because Jack Vettriano's real name is Jack Hoggan!  He's from Scotland, has the "double g" Hoggan last name...so I'm quite confident I'm related to him.  :-)  Enjoy.

The Singing Butler

1992

By Jack Vettriano
Heartbreak Publishing

 Dance Me To The End Of Love

1998

By Jack Vettriano

Heartbreak Publishing

Jason

Those of you on Facebook, "Follow" me at http://jasonhoggan.blogspot.com/.