Unless

Things you should not, I said NOT, say to someone with an anxiety or major depressive disorder:

1. Man up.

2. Grow a pair.

3. It's in your head.

4. You just need more sun.

5. You're a hypochondriac.

6. Your emotions are so unpredictable. (No kidding - try being the one experiencing them.)

7. You're always sick.

8. Buck up.

9. Drama queen.

10. You're being a baby.

Unless you've experienced depression or anxiety so bad you've considered killing yourself;

Unless you've gone through the pain of getting on an antidepressant (or 5);

Unless you've experienced the numbness that feels like such a relief at first, but then turns into a yearning to feel again;

Unless you've tried to get off of an antidepressant and experienced true chemical dependence withdrawal;

Unless you've been unable to get out of bed for days because it hurts too much;

Unless your behavior has caused you to lose the people who were once closest to you;

Unless...

Then shut the fuck up and mind your own business.

MONO Lessons (Part XXII: 440-463)

Meditatively Obtained, Novel, and Observational (MONO) Lessons

---

440. Spring finals are the absolute worst.

441. I don’t understand the whole superhero comic book thing.  Especially Thor.  Thor is a Nordic god…not a comic book character…

442. Chris Evans must be an actual superhero since he has played The Human Torch and will be playing Captain America…the hero with the lamest name ever.

443. The Avengers are:  The Incredible Hulk, Iron Man (whatever that is), Thor, and Captain America.

444. Need to Know on PBS is simply outstanding journalism.  I highly recommend it.  Oh, and donate!  ;-)

445. Allegra is a non-drowsy lifesaver.  Now also available in generic form from your local grocery store knock-off brand!  Yay!

446. Some things never change.

447. Facebook ads…holy crap.

448. Apparently, people have pornographic slides.  Yes, I said slides.

449. Divorce isn’t a bad thing.  It just gets a bad rap.

450. I can easily use a video game analogy to explain my ideas correlating physics, spirituality, and a “higher power.”

451. RENT four times can be rather emotional; especially during a highly emotional time in your personal life.

452. Lesson #157 stated “I’m not ‘RENT’ gay.”  Correction, I am “RENT” gay.

453. Jagged Little Pill would make a great musical.

454. The Matrix is why I freed my mind.

455. Kaboom.  That is all.

456. I prefer having the world end at the end of apocalyptic-like movies.  Especially if aliens are involved.

457. Abercrombie & Fitch models feel nice.

458. I refuse to watch Criminal Minds because I can’t take Greg, yes, from Dharma & Greg, seriously.  And he’s missing Dharma…

459. Sexuality, gender, and sex are all amazing things and deserve more conversational attention.  Taboo is destroyed by conversation.

460. Depression and anxiety are rampant.

461. Depression and anxiety are rampant among gays.

462. Judy McLane is a sweetheart.

463. Being a gay teenager still sucks, unfortunately.  But at least it’s slightly less dangerous…

How do you do this to me?

How do you do this to me?
How can I hate your hurtful heart,
But sigh for your smell on my sheets?
How can I loath your lousy lies,
But crave your counterfeit concurrence?
How can I despise your desperate devotion,
But pine for your perpetual and palpable presence?

How do you do this to me?
Since when did I hand you my reins?
This is my life to live,
Not yours to subliminally destroy.
Since when did my brain
Allow thoughts of you to drain
My will, my power to let go?
How do you do this to me?

Why do I do this to me?
Why do I let this good-for-nothin' guilt
Cloud my already cockeyed comprehension?
Why do I fantasize the future we were facing,
Instead of soul-searching and stabilizing my self?
Why do I desire a darling,
But have a forever fleeting focus?

Why do I do this to me?
Since when did I lose control of my reins?
This is my life to live,
Not yours to subliminally control.
Since when did my brain
Allow thoughts of you to drain
My will, my power to let go?
How do you do this to me?

How do I forget your love?
How do I leave behind my own?
I'll never forget our years together.
The memories have pierced my soul.
But, it's over.
I miss you and will always love you.

How do you do this to me?
Since when did I hand you my reins?
This is my life to live,
Not yours to subliminally control.
Since when did my brain
Allow thoughts of you to drain
My will, my power to let go?
How do you do this to me?

How do you do this to me?

How do you do this to me?

Goodbye.

MONO Lessons (Part XXI: 420 - 439)

Meditatively Obtained, Novel, and Observational (MONO) Lessons

---

420. I don’t know what to do with my last name if/when I get married.  But I do know “Hoggan” won’t be leaving.  It’s far too awesome.

421. I want an equation, variable, or unit named after me.  “Then we take the Hoggan Cross Section…”  “Find the Hoggan wavelength of…”  “So after the algebra, we are left with 7 Hoggans…”  Yes.

422. Opera is not my thing.

423. “Little Women” is just a boring story.  Jo, grow up.

424. I should probably become a model.  It may be my true calling in life.

425. Depressed and anxious people shouldn’t have to split their depression and anxiety pills.  We need more size variety!

426. Seeing a car flip over in front of you due to another car running a red light causes intersection anxiety.

427. I’m in love.  He drives me insane, but I love him.  I’m in love.

428. I can go months without talking to someone and still know when they’re pulling an April Fools joke.

429. Gay marriage would be legal if it weren’t illegal.  Think about it.  That thought isn’t as stupid as it sounds.

430. Fortune cookies are disgusting.

431. Domes of fudge are splendid.

432. Hemorrhoids suck.

433. Sucker Punch…possibly too awesome?

434. Buckwheat is nasty.  Even in maple-glazed cold cereal form.

435. I will never need to purchase an obnoxiously large, loud, and window-tinted truck to make up for any lack of “manhood,” thank you.

436. I don’t drink enough water.

437. I’m a meat-eating vegan.  A carnivorous vegan, if you will.  …Aaaaaand you will.

438. When I get an intense blog idea, move out of the way.

439. I like butt chins.

Daemon of The Past

Movies portray daemons in so many ways - some crawl, some swoop like ghosts, and some lurk faceless in the shadows. But the worst daemon of them all is The Past - unseen and non palpable.

Photo by CodingNinja

The Past terrorizes the mind like the ghosts of asylum patients haunt the halls of their former home.

The Past is a liar. It fools you into believing a hologram. It's fake. It's a façade hiding your mind's eye from reality and The Truth.

The Past makes you angry and bitter. It makes you blame everyone...everything...except yourself.

The Past asserts you had no control. It was his fault. It was her fault. If only he didn't do that...if only she didn't say that...then things would be better for ME.

The Past is denial.

But at the same time, The Past is guilt and self-loathing. The Past is worthlessness and hopelessness. The Past digs a pit of shame and throws you in, spiraling toward the invisible bottom.

Photo by brownspoon

The Past enjoys being construed, twisted, and morphed into whatever causes you the most possible pain.

The Past then wants you to awaken its brother daemons in the people around you. Spread the pain and suffering!

The Past is a kidney stone of the mind. The pain is excruciating. It can even feel like you may die.

The Past makes you sadder than you ever thought possible. It makes your tear ducts shrivel. It makes your sleep scarce and strenuous.

Photo by F l S f a h .. ❥

The Past wants to break free and become reality. It will convince you its freedom will be your solace, when in fact, it is your demise.

The Past breaks free with death - your death. The escape from its torture lies in your own hands. You must die to alleviate the depression, pain, and tormenting anxiety The Past inflicts.

Of course this isn't The Truth. The Past destroys hope, butchers faith, and mocks The Truth.

But The Truth knows self eradication will only cause more pain - for your soul and those you leave behind.

Photo by lorrainemd

The Truth may not be pretty, but it's not a big phony like The Past.

The Truth is now.
The Truth is here.

The Truth doesn't dabble with The Past.
The Truth doesn't fiddle with The Future.

The Truth is grace.
The Truth is the escape.
The Truth is happiness.
The Truth is Love.
The Truth is health and healing.

My Health Update + ASEA

To my Family and Friends,

I know many of you out there have been concerned about my health over the past few years, so I wanted to give you a summary and an update on what has been going on.

It all started back in the summer of 2009 when I had my first huge outbreak of mono.  I discovered I in fact had mono 3 days before school started.  It was a tough semester and I kept getting sicker.

I then got tested for food sensitivities.  In short, I learned I am gluten intolerant as well as rather sensitive to dairy and eggs.  I began a gluten-, dairy-, and egg-free diet in February of 2010 and I'm still going strong!

I started to feel a lot better as 2010 progressed, but then I passed a kidney stone the second week of fall semester.

This seemed to spark another set of symptoms - specifically nasal allergies.  I got tested for mono again to see if I had a current infection...it came back negative.  I did end up having a sinus infection, but I also got tested for pollen allergies.  In short, I'm allergic to the majority of the Valley.

Then the motherload.  Depression and anxiety.  I have been taking prescription medication for my depression and anxiety for just over a year now.  The side effects sometimes seem worse than the original symptoms.

After a long time of continuing to feel miserable, both physically and emotionally, a miracle happened to our family.  His name is Dr. Stan Gardner.

I finally had a functional medicine doctor with a goal of helping his patients find alternatives to drugs and surgery.  My treatment with him began with nutritional IV's to help reboot my immune system and an alternative allergy therapy he calls AllDeSen.  Unfortunately, these treatments only reduced my symptoms by about 25%.

Dr. Gardner's "assistant", Caitlin, does most of the AllDeSen work.  I put her title in quotation marks because she is actually his daughter. ;-)  Caitlin is a sweetheart with magic fingers.  Not only does she do AllDeSen, but she also does massage and a form of energy work called  Jin Shin Jyutsu.  I will talk more about my experiences with this at a later time, but I can tell you right now that I wish I had been getting massages long before now and I am also a believer in energy work.

Now most recently, after some lab results returned, we decided to put me on a light thyroid hormone and an additional supplement to increase my dopamine levels.  But the thing I am MOST excited to try is a product called ASEA.

I know many of you reading this have been dealing with health issues yourselves.  I can empathize with you.  Being sick for an extended period of time is torturous.  It's still hard for me to believe I'm saying this, but ASEA has given me some hope!

Let me give a disclaimer:  Yes, I am signed up with ASEA in a way that will allow me to eventually distribute the product if I believe in it.  I am not in any way trying to push this on anybody.  I just barely started it myself.  Signing up as an ASEA Associate happened to be the most cost effective way for me to get going on the product.  But I will say, if it makes me feel better, I want to share it with you all!

To learn more about ASEA, head to my personalized link and look through the informative videos.  The videos explain the product way better than I can!

http://freeyourmind.teamasea.com/

I will keep you updated on my progress as much as I possibly can.  Please have it in your prayers that I can get healthy again!  You are all also in mine!

Please feel free to contact me if you'd like to talk more about any of the stuff I've mentioned.

I love you all!

Jason

Depression, Anxiety, Love...and Other Drugs

*tap*tap*tap*

I can't write.

Why?

Well, the title pretty much explains it all.  It's also not vague in any way.

Okay, maybe it's a little vague considering I kind of copied a movie title a little tiny bit.

I have depression and anxiety.  Both are likely inherited (thanks, parents).  I have always been a rather anxious person.  I figure a large portion of my anxiety was actually learned and conditioned considering I grew up "different" and Mormon.  To say the least, that calls for a lot of nervous times.

Of course I have also been depressed at times...even suicidal.  But this time it's different.

Miserable Emptiness

There's no foundation to the sadness.  I feel an emptiness I believe could never be reconciled.  A void that could absolutely never be filled.  I don't want to do anything.  I don't want to move.  I don't want to talk.  I don't want to wake up.  I don't want to sleep.  If I sleep, I have to eventually wake up and...and...do something.  I don't want to see my friends.  I don't want to see my boyfriend.  I don't want to see my family.  It makes me sick.

I want to quit school.  I want to quit my job...s.  I want to quit.  I don't necessarily want to die, but I want to hurt myself so I can prove to you all how sick I am.  So I can prove to you how much I need to quit school...to quit my jobs...s.

I want to run away.  Running away will fix everything.  It will fix nothing.

I'm in love.  It's weird to be in love for the first time and also be extremely depressed.  And then to be taking an antidepressant that increases your anxiety five-fold.  I'm in love.  Why now?  What bizarre timing.

I want to run away...with him.  That will fix everything.  It will fix nothing.

I can't write.

I'm afraid to write.

I'm afraid to tell you what is going on with me.

I'm again afraid of being judged and having even more stereotypes hurled at me.

I want to run away.  I'll run until the pills, pills, and more pills kick in and fix everything.  They'll fix nothing.

They won't fix me.

They won't fix my family.

They won't fix the business.

They won't fix my boyfriend.

They won't fix my relationship with him either.

I guess I have to participate too.

I want to run away.  I want to hide until I have the energy to help the pills.

They're so demanding of me.

Those of you on Facebook, "Follow" me at http://jasonhoggan.blogspot.com/.