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MONO Lessons (Part XXI: 420 - 439)

Meditatively Obtained, Novel, and Observational (MONO) Lessons

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420. I don’t know what to do with my last name if/when I get married.  But I do know “Hoggan” won’t be leaving.  It’s far too awesome.

421. I want an equation, variable, or unit named after me.  “Then we take the Hoggan Cross Section…”  “Find the Hoggan wavelength of…”  “So after the algebra, we are left with 7 Hoggans…”  Yes.

422. Opera is not my thing.

423. “Little Women” is just a boring story.  Jo, grow up.

424. I should probably become a model.  It may be my true calling in life.

425. Depressed and anxious people shouldn’t have to split their depression and anxiety pills.  We need more size variety!

426. Seeing a car flip over in front of you due to another car running a red light causes intersection anxiety.

427. I’m in love.  He drives me insane, but I love him.  I’m in love.

428. I can go months without talking to someone and still know when they’re pulling an April Fools joke.

429. Gay marriage would be legal if it weren’t illegal.  Think about it.  That thought isn’t as stupid as it sounds.

430. Fortune cookies are disgusting.

431. Domes of fudge are splendid.

432. Hemorrhoids suck.

433. Sucker Punch…possibly too awesome?

434. Buckwheat is nasty.  Even in maple-glazed cold cereal form.

435. I will never need to purchase an obnoxiously large, loud, and window-tinted truck to make up for any lack of “manhood,” thank you.

436. I don’t drink enough water.

437. I’m a meat-eating vegan.  A carnivorous vegan, if you will.  …Aaaaaand you will.

438. When I get an intense blog idea, move out of the way.

439. I like butt chins.

Simple Pleasures

Stepping on gooey tar on a hot summer day.

Newly painted street lines (especially on a newly surfaced street).

Freezing cold tap water in the dead of winter.

Slipping into a bed with fresh, clean linen just after a shower.

Staring at your favorite piece of art when no one understands why you love it so much.

Staying up too late reading a textbook that's just too good to put down.

Daiquiri Ice.

Pants that fit.

Blogging.

Orange chocolate.

Mint chocolate.

Raspberry chocolate.

Chips and salsa.

The complete and utter silence during a heavy winter snowstorm.

Listening to the same amazing song over and over and over again.

Staying up way too late watching TV on my MacBook in bed.

Lunch at University Hospital.

Computers that work.

Friday nights.

Secondhand smoke-induced Europe flashbacks. 

Juicy nose-clearing sneezes.

Laughgasms - aka, Laughing Attacks.

She Spies and D.D. Cummings.

ThinkGeek.

Gay cinema.

Cuddling with my boyfriend.

Marilyn Monroe.

World.

Those of you on Facebook, "Follow" me at http://jasonhoggan.blogspot.com/.

Depression, Anxiety, Love...and Other Drugs

*tap*tap*tap*

I can't write.

Why?

Well, the title pretty much explains it all.  It's also not vague in any way.

Okay, maybe it's a little vague considering I kind of copied a movie title a little tiny bit.

I have depression and anxiety.  Both are likely inherited (thanks, parents).  I have always been a rather anxious person.  I figure a large portion of my anxiety was actually learned and conditioned considering I grew up "different" and Mormon.  To say the least, that calls for a lot of nervous times.

Of course I have also been depressed at times...even suicidal.  But this time it's different.

Miserable Emptiness

There's no foundation to the sadness.  I feel an emptiness I believe could never be reconciled.  A void that could absolutely never be filled.  I don't want to do anything.  I don't want to move.  I don't want to talk.  I don't want to wake up.  I don't want to sleep.  If I sleep, I have to eventually wake up and...and...do something.  I don't want to see my friends.  I don't want to see my boyfriend.  I don't want to see my family.  It makes me sick.

I want to quit school.  I want to quit my job...s.  I want to quit.  I don't necessarily want to die, but I want to hurt myself so I can prove to you all how sick I am.  So I can prove to you how much I need to quit school...to quit my jobs...s.

I want to run away.  Running away will fix everything.  It will fix nothing.

I'm in love.  It's weird to be in love for the first time and also be extremely depressed.  And then to be taking an antidepressant that increases your anxiety five-fold.  I'm in love.  Why now?  What bizarre timing.

I want to run away...with him.  That will fix everything.  It will fix nothing.

I can't write.

I'm afraid to write.

I'm afraid to tell you what is going on with me.

I'm again afraid of being judged and having even more stereotypes hurled at me.

I want to run away.  I'll run until the pills, pills, and more pills kick in and fix everything.  They'll fix nothing.

They won't fix me.

They won't fix my family.

They won't fix the business.

They won't fix my boyfriend.

They won't fix my relationship with him either.

I guess I have to participate too.

I want to run away.  I want to hide until I have the energy to help the pills.

They're so demanding of me.

Those of you on Facebook, "Follow" me at http://jasonhoggan.blogspot.com/.

MONO Lessons (Part XIX: 383 - 400)

Meditatively Obtained, Novel, and Observational (MONO) Lessons

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383. Nancy Pelosi is perpetually watching somebody NOT use a coaster.

384. Red vs. Red is a battle of very strong wills and hard heads.  I should say “Red + Red” instead…vs. sounds so opposing.

385. I’m a fucking catch.  There.  I finally typed it in here.  Enough talk…time to put it in writing (other than text message).

386. Haikus are lacking / A sufficient amount of / Syllables to make……..a point.  See?

387. Contacts are awful.  I hate them.  They’re definitely not for me.  Glasses it is.

388. It’s not like this is a new revelation, but finals week changes my brain chemistry.  It’s gross.

389. During finals week, all decision-making must be postponed until the storm is over.

390. If it happens to be fall finals week, postpone all decision-making until after January 1.

391. Casein makes up 80% of milk’s protein content.

392. Gluten and casein have a similar molecular structure.

393. White Christmas = cheese.

394. It’s amazing how much can change in just one year.  It’s even more amazing how much doesn’t change.

395. TRON: Legacy…my next Inception?

396. Not only is the picture larger and clearer in IMAX, the sound is significantly better.  Recommendation made.

397. Cheapness can be both a “genetic” and learned behavior.

398. Someone else in this world learned stuff while they had mono.  Her name is August, even though that’s a boy’s name, apparently.  ;-)  Who would have thought searching “mono” and “lesson” on Twitter would give any result besides me?

399. I’m allergic to everything just like my mom.  Thanks, mom.

400. Blogging success: writing about “my past” in a way that makes people think the blog is about a person.

Those of you on Facebook, "Follow" me at http://jasonhoggan.blogspot.com/.

MONO Lessons (Part XVI: 321 - 342)

Meditatively Obtained, Novel, and Observational (MONO) Lessons

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321. I like him.  I like him a lot.

322. I haven’t had the opportunity to be just friends with someone before dating them.  The transition is so pleasant and non-nerve-racking.  Natural, if you will.

323. I suddenly like the song “Head Over Feet” by Alanis Morissette…hmmm…

324. It’s even weirder to have completed Psychology of Love a couple of months ago and now beginning an actual new relationship.  Talk about textbook…

325. I CAN MAKE GLUTEN-FREE, DAIRY-FREE, & EGG-FREE OATMEAL RAISIN COOKIES!!!  Epic day.  07/11/10.

326. That woman lives her life through her pain-body.  How sad.

327. Minds can change extremely fast.

328. I have identified five collective pain-bodies in which I have a stake:

a. The American Gay (LGBTQ+) Pain-Body

b. The Mormon (LDS) Pain-Body

c. The Gay Mormon Pain-Body

d. The Food Allergy Pain-Body

e. The Gluten-Intolerant/Celiac Pain-Body

329. I find hidden Mickey’s in my everyday life.

330. I’m capable of sending and receiving an “It’s me” voicemail.

331. The past can truly be haunting.

332. “D-BOX” isn’t dirty, it’s just a vibratey seat!

333. When I like a movie enough, I can see it 5 times in 15 days.  Inception rocks.

334. Monday, August 30, 2010:  Kidney stone.  Worst.  Pain.  EVER.

335. Guess what?  Potassium, still only inching it’s way up.  I have far more blood tests than I would prefer.

336. If they changed their mind and “accepted” me, I don’t think I would go back.  The damage is done.

337. Clubbing is much more tolerable with a significant other.

338. Blogging is like therapy.

339. Protests and rallies are like therapy.

340. Wendover is so sleazy it’s spectacular.

341. Gambling is kinda stupid…

342. Saying “my boyfriend” makes me all giddy.  *sigh*

Those of you on Facebook, "Follow" me at http://jasonhoggan.blogspot.com/.

Passed Past

Leave me alone!
I'm sick of you!
All you do is nag and complain!
You're so damn needy!
You demand excessive amounts of my attention.
And the worst part?  I give it to you.

Why do I keep doing this?
I accept the fact you were part of my life...but we broke up!
Can't we just move on and be cordial?

I keep lying for you...
I keep withholding for you...
I keep hiding for you...
I keep failing for you...
I keep (attempting) to impress for you...
I keep defending you...
I keep missing out...all so you won't hurt me!
Why does my crying excite you?
Some cowardly part of me is still terrified of you and you know it.
And some sick part of me gets off on the fear, misery, and torture you inflict.

Over and over and over again!

I can't help but re-over-analyze you in my head, to my friends, to my family, in my writing, in my talking, in my crying, and in my screaming.

I hate how I let you control me!

No matter how much I think I've put you behind me and officially passed you by...  No matter how many times I convince myself I've moved on...  No matter what I do, you always creep back into my life and wreak havoc.

Does this mean I'm not where I thought?  What am I missing?  Where am I in this continuum?  What do I need to do to keep you where you belong so you'll stop ruining my Now?

Have I not fully confronted you?
Have I not faced you head on like I thought I have...over and over and over again...?
Which one of us has the unresolved business?
...and what on earth will resolve it?!

I don't want to talk about you any more.  I don't want to think about you any more.  I deserve to think of happier things.  I would much rather waste my time on anything else but you.

I went through your colic-like torment to get where I am Now.  And you won't let me forget it.  Do you need a thank-you letter or a reward?  Do you want some sort of compensation?  Do you feel entitled to torturously remind me how you made me who I am?  Who is the victim here, anyway?  Just because you're miserable doesn't mean I have to be miserable with you!

I'm sick of your pity party.
Get over yourself.
Just die.
I deserve better than you.
Let me get on with my life; I can't keep waiting to live.

Now where was I...?

Those of you on Facebook, "Follow" me at http://jasonhoggan.blogspot.com/.

MONO Lessons (Part XIV: 271- 299)

Meditatively Obtained, Novel, and Observational (MONO) Lessons

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271. I think someone has ADD…

272. Almond Breeze is my favorite milk replacement.  Mmmm

273. They make butters other than peanut butter.

274. Oats are a major topic of conversation.  Especially among Celiacs.

275. Immune systems are actually supposed to stop a cold from taking over your body.  Mine did that for the first time in years!  Hooray!

276. The Stanford Prison Experiment.  Ryan and I rocked this thing.

277. Gluten antibodies attack and chop down the villi in my small intestines.  Lactase, the enzyme that breaks down lactose, is created in the tip of the villi.  Hence, I will seem “lactose intolerant” until my villi grow back.

278. “Wheat-free” does NOT infer “gluten-free.”

279. Blogging is like a disease.  A rather contagious disease.

280. I’m a gatekeeper.

281. I live my life as an oxymoron.  I love oxymorons and paradoxes.

282. Mayonnaise is evil.  Of the devil, if you will.

283. I am eternally grateful for my past.  Without it, I wouldn’t be where I am now.

284. I am infinitely relieved to have made it through the reconciliation brawl physically alive, psychologically intact, mentally resilient, and spiritually affirmed.

285. “He’s not cute enough to be gay!” – SH.  I then burst out laughing.

286. Late at night, even regular humans can suddenly become cute, cuddly zombies.

287. I attached to UTemps like it was a person…

288. These tremendously complex bodies are bound to have a few minor errors.

289. Slumdog Millionaire is simply unbelievable and moves me in a way no movie ever has.

290. Really.  It’s not me!  It’s everybody else…. Trust me.

291. It’s not fair.  And that will continue to resonate in my mind.  It’s simply not fair.

292. Outback is a GF Mecca.  P.F. Chang's can be Mecca #2.

293. I think about them every single day…

294. “When in doubt, leave it out.” – Danna Korn from Living Gluten-Free for Dummies

295. Gluten could be the answer behind everything.

296. Some servers can really surprise me with their gluten-free skill and memory.  Really, though, he should have written it all down…I’m complicated.

297. I will meet my soul mate at Whole Foods.  I’m convinced.  See “Aaron the Whole Foods Boy."

298. Windows 7 doesn’t like power outages.

299. That said, F6 is the secret, magical, earth-saving button.

Jason

Those of you on Facebook, "Follow" me at http://jasonhoggan.blogspot.com/.

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Why free-verse poetry?

You may have asked yourself, "Why does Jason write so much in a free-verse poetic style?"  The answer is the word "free."  I write full-fledged papers and essays for school...not for fun and definitely not for blogs...not when I'm free to write whatever I want, how I want it.

It's nice to not be forced to fully explain my thoughts in ways coherent to people other than me.  Free-verse leaves at least some of the interpretation up to the reader.  It leaves a pinch of mystery.  It's a conversation starter.  "So what did you mean when you said..."

So again, "Why does Jason write so much in a free-verse poetic style?"  Why not rhyming poetry?  Or just rambling paragraphs?  I don't really know.  Well, I actually borderline hate rhyming, so I know the answer to that one, but the rambling paragraphs?  I think the formatting and structure of a poem can say as much as the poem's words.  Rambling paragraphs are just that - rambling paragraphs with no structure, no meaning in the layout, no attention to detail, no suggestions for how the piece ought to be read.  Solution: free-verse poetry.  Maybe I should have written this more like a poem...

The end.

Jason 

Those of you on Facebook, "Follow" me at http://jasonhoggan.blogspot.com/.

Blogging

I think I'm going to start writing a blog. How cliche.

I've gone through a lot the past while and I hear my life story is rather interesting, so I think I'll share it here. I don't want to treat this as a boring journal, but most of what I'll write about is based on personal experience. My goal is to write my hilarious, tragic, and thinky observations about life - hopefully I kept that vague enough to write almost anything I want!

Here are some blogging ideas I have for the near future:

1. "Mono Lessons" - For those of you who don't know (somehow), I have had mono since June 2009. Anyway, for a majority of that time, I have been keeping a list of things I have learned while dealing with mono and because of having mono. The list is LONG (150 lessons so far), so I'll post it in increments. You'll laugh, you'll cry, and you'll thank God you don't have mono.

2. School - My last two semesters of college have been unbelievably hard and miraculous. You'll read in awe.

3. Work - I quit my job... My last day is January 8, 2010. I have a LOT of stuff to say about wretched place we call HR.

4. Gay stuff - Again, for those of you that don't know, I'm gay. Yahoo. Anyway, I go through activist moments, so I will recall stuff from the past, write some new stuff, and most likely talk about a class I took last semester called Gender & Sexual Orientation from Dr. Lisa Diamond. (Best class I've ever taken, by the way.) I'll also share snippets of my "coming out" saga and any drama that still continues today.

I'm thinking I'll post a new blog once a week or so. These topics should keep me going for a few months. Always feel free to comment, ask questions, request topics, anything!

I look forward to freeing my mind all over you! Happy reading!

Jason

Those of you on Facebook, "Follow" me at http://jasonhoggan.blogspot.com/.