How do you do this to me?

How do you do this to me?
How can I hate your hurtful heart,
But sigh for your smell on my sheets?
How can I loath your lousy lies,
But crave your counterfeit concurrence?
How can I despise your desperate devotion,
But pine for your perpetual and palpable presence?

How do you do this to me?
Since when did I hand you my reins?
This is my life to live,
Not yours to subliminally destroy.
Since when did my brain
Allow thoughts of you to drain
My will, my power to let go?
How do you do this to me?

Why do I do this to me?
Why do I let this good-for-nothin' guilt
Cloud my already cockeyed comprehension?
Why do I fantasize the future we were facing,
Instead of soul-searching and stabilizing my self?
Why do I desire a darling,
But have a forever fleeting focus?

Why do I do this to me?
Since when did I lose control of my reins?
This is my life to live,
Not yours to subliminally control.
Since when did my brain
Allow thoughts of you to drain
My will, my power to let go?
How do you do this to me?

How do I forget your love?
How do I leave behind my own?
I'll never forget our years together.
The memories have pierced my soul.
But, it's over.
I miss you and will always love you.

How do you do this to me?
Since when did I hand you my reins?
This is my life to live,
Not yours to subliminally control.
Since when did my brain
Allow thoughts of you to drain
My will, my power to let go?
How do you do this to me?

How do you do this to me?

How do you do this to me?

Goodbye.

Because God Told Me So: Caffeine

I don't drink coffee...because God told me so.

I don't drink tea...because God told me so.

I drink Coke...Diet Coke...Mountain Dew...Red Bull, Amp, Monster, Rockstar, and 5 Hour Energy...because God didn't tell me I couldn't.

Caffeine content of all the above mentioned beverages:

Beverage	Caffeine Content (mg/oz)	Sugar Content (g/oz)
Coke	2.9	3.38
Diet Coke	3.8	0 (aspartame...)
Mountain Dew	4.5	3.92
Red Bull	9.5	3.19
Amp	8.9 - 11.2	3.12 - 3.62
Monster	8.4 - 13.2	2.60 - 3.38
Rockstar	10 - 20.8	2.12 - 4.94
5 Hour Energy	69	0
Coffee	13.4	0
Decaf Coffee	0.7	0
Brewed, Iced and Chai Tea	5.9	0
Green Tea	3.1	0

Data from http://www.energyfiend.com/

I don't avoid caffeine because God told me so.  I have a heart arrhythmia that is greatly aggravated by caffeine.  The arrhythmia is not life-threatening or anything like that, but it's annoying, to say the least.  So, I avoid caffeine.  I do enjoy tea, but it is usually herbal tea and therefore caffeine free.  I sometimes have green tea, but it appears its other positive effects outweigh its caffeine content for me.  Now coffee I just think is nasty.  Decaf or not, I'll pass.  I just think it's gross!

The sugar content statistics speak for themselves...

Those are MY reasons for following MY personal "word of wisdom".  Through trial and error, personal experience, and personal revelation, I have learned my body and mind do not like caffeine.

Those of you on Facebook, "Follow" me at http://jasonhoggan.blogspot.com/.

Mon Corps

I recently had a bout with food poisoning.  While sitting on or worshiping the toilet, I was amazed at the urgency of my body's evacuation method.  I had no conscious say as to whether this "everything must go" event was truly necessary.  My body just decided it must be so.  So I had no other choice but to trust my body and go along with this horrendous expulsion technique.

To get my mind off of the misery, I attempted to remove my consciousness from the situation as much as I could.  I didn't make it very far, but I did have a light-bulb moment I hadn't experienced in this way before.  I realized there is something "inside" me that knows this body of mine is only a temporary mechanism it must inhabit to be here.  Here on this planet.  This part of me made me literally laugh at how silly and absurd my situation was and reassured me that what was happening to my body was only temporary would allow me to be on this planet for longer.  Well, for at least as long as I'm supposed to be here.

Our bodies are unfathomably intricate.  It's a miracle anyone is even alive.  It's a miracle anyone has babies.  It's a miracle we're all not (more) physically and mentally deformed considering how horribly wrong everything could go while we grow.

Almost all of our bodily functions happen without our say.  It's absolutely astounding.  Just like I didn't have a say as to whether I wanted to be vomiting and have diarrhea all night, I also had no say when I started losing my baby teeth...when I started puberty...when my voice changed...  I don't think about beating my heart, breathing, digesting...even walking sometimes seems so natural that I dare say I don't think about it.

All of these things that are so trivial from an eternal perspective, our bodies just do for us so we can live out our meaningful life here on Earth.  Not having to think about running our vital organs lets us think about the things that are truly important...and the things that drive us insane.  Sometimes it would be nice to escape because "I'm too busy digesting my breakfast, beating my heart, breathing, growing my nails and hair, and splitting millions of other cells to replace the ones that died..."  But that'd get old; really fast.  And nothing else would ever be accomplished!  We'd all just lie down at home breathing, beating our heart, and digesting....  I get annoyed enough that I have to eat, "use" the bathroom, and sleep...but I'd rather consciously do those than anything even more rudimentary.

Now that I am running out of rambles to try to explain my little light-bulb moment, here is my point.  I believe I will exist in some conscious form after my body has become too worn to continue automatically keeping itself alive.  I believe I also existed in some form before I inhabited this extremely imperfect, yet miraculous, body.  I believe this so strongly, in fact, that this belief's depth and origin seem unexplainable...  Some people call it their spirit, some call it their soul...I'm not sure what I want to call it.  But I know there is a part of me that will outlast this physical existence.  It will be a bittersweet moment to let go of this seemingly shoddy exterior shell...  Right now, it's all I know and all I have.  But until then, ceci est mon corps et je le protéger.
 

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The Year of Immunotherapy?

Please let this year be better.  I'm so tired.  I haven't felt well since May of 2008 and I'm tired of trying.  But apparently not tired enough to quit.

Westminster, Colorado.
A "cold" 
Turns into a "sinus infection."
Bactrim, Ceftin, Azithromycin, Augmenton.
Hives.
Epic hives.
Again
And again.
Turns out it was mono.
Quite the misdiagnosis
Duh.
School starts in 4 days.
Semester from hell.
ER visit.
Finally confronting my heart arrhythmia.
Miracle semester.
Not feeling better;
In fact, feeling worse.
Quit my job of 2.5 years.
Goodbye to the best coworkers on earth.
Time to focus on health and school.
Turns out I'm gluten intolerant.
Diet changes.
Diet changes.
Diet changes.
Diet changes.
Diet changes.
Feeling slightly better.
Disneyland.
Feeling quite a bit better.
Lagoon.
Cabin.
Something's not right.
School starts.
Worst pain ever.
ER visit.
Kidney stone.
Nausea, pain, lortab, and flomax.
And lortab...did I mention the lortab?
School...
Work...
W...
Feels like mono again
Only it isn't.
What a relief!
Wait, then what is it?
I'm allergic to this valley.
Is immunotherapy my next solution?
 

Those of you on Facebook, "Follow" me at http://jasonhoggan.blogspot.com/.

MONO Lessons (Part XI: 209-228)

Meditatively Obtained, Novel, and Observational (MONO) Lessons

---

209. It’s January 27, 2010, and to be honest, I don’t really think I have mono any more.  However, things aren’t back to normal.  My appetite is odd, my sleep cycle is odd…I just feel odd.  I think I have food allergies that are prolonging everything.

210. Whether I still have mono or not, I keep learning things, so I think I should continue my mono lessons list – both for personal reasons and for the sake of blog entertainment.  In case I don’t actually have mononucleosis (symptoms) any more, MONO Lessons will stand for Meditatively Obtained, Novel, and Observational Lessons.  That’s what these silly lessons really are, anyway. ☺

211. I’m grateful I took Foundations of Analysis…?!?  What?!?

212. Valentine’s Day comes to mind much sooner when it appears you’ll actually have a valentine.

213. 55” of TV is a LOT of TV.

214. There are few things that will keep me up until 4am.  Tennis is one of them.

215. I get extremely offended when my petition is denied.

216. Attraction is SO complicated!  And it dictates our thoughts and feelings about absolutely everyone!

217. I actually can get my blood drawn with out totally freaking out.

218. Just being in the University Hospital makes me extremely happy.

219. Hospital cafeteria food is better than Union food.  And cheaper.  And more healthy.

220. The Green shuttle doesn’t stop at the Union, only Red and Blue do.

221. Atenolol makes being nervous so much more bearable.

222. School is “easier” when unemployed.

223. Alec Woodbury and Allie Wall have the same initials!!!

224. Leaping zombies are the best.

225. There are certain people with whom I should not be alone for an extended period of time.  Specifically while school is going.

226. We’re literally writing the next page of our life novel right now; “the rest is still unwritten.”

227. Slaps in the face are rather enlightening for both parties – the slappee and the slapper.

228. I would SO much rather get a free Grand Slam at Denny’s on my 21st birthday than get drunk.

Jason

Those of you on Facebook, "Follow" me at http://jasonhoggan.blogspot.com/.

One Year Ago Today...

One year ago today...

I started getting a "cold"...
                                         Which turned into a "sinus infection"...
                                                                                                    Mono the whole time
I'd only had my blood drawn twice in 20 years
I had never regularly broken out in hives
My heart arrhythmia was as common as a Venus transit
All tea tasted like hay
The "Mono Lessons" began to occur but were not yet being documented
"Tired" had a completely different meaning

I had a great job
I had the most incredible coworkers
I was taking my first business trip
We were as strong as ever
We were beginning to truly bond
The end was at least 2 years away
                                                   ...not 6 months

Life wasn't as hemorrhoidy and didn't sting
Life wasn't as bloated
Life wasn't as constipated
But it was a bit...irregular
I ate whatever the hell I wanted
I weighed 170 lbs

I wasn't as experienced
I wasn't as empathetic
I wasn't as forgiving
Lisa hadn't yet changed my life
I wasn't as patient
I wasn't as friendly
I wasn't as mindful

I didn't know I'd be so happy to have the last year behind me

...one year ago today.

Jason 

Those of you on Facebook, "Follow" me at http://jasonhoggan.blogspot.com/.

Mono Lessons (Part X: 187-208)

You'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll thank God you don't have mono.

---

187. I have more self-control than I give myself credit for having.

188. I gained my “self-control” from having some pretty crappy experiences.

189. There’s a fine line between “self-control” and extreme hesitation and caution.

190. “I don’t wanna be your other half; I believe that one and one make two.” (from “Not the Doctor” by Alanis Morissette)

191. “[I won’t] let [him] get away with kicking [his] own ass.” (from “Unsent” by Alanis Morissette)

192. I’m not crazy…well, in the sense that I’m not imagining my heart arrhythmia nor am I mistaking another chest activity for the heart arrhythmia. In other words, I have a seasonal heart arrhythmia.

193. Sherri worded this perfectly for me:  “Never argue with an idiot.  All they do is drag you down to their level then beat you with their experience.”

194. Atenolol is a beta-blocker.  I still don’t really understand what a beta-blocker is.  Let alone beta…and why it would need to be blocked.

195. Aliens scare the crap out of me enough when they’re blatantly fake that I am able to put on quite the convincing show when they are presented with a hint of realness.

196. I am apparently rather passionate about aliens.

197. I really do miss some certain people from middle and high school.

198. I don’t fall easily, quickly, willingly, simply, smoothly, comfortably, or patiently.  Good luck, my friend.

199. I enjoy being a psychology test subject probably more than I should…

200. Denny’s has a TOTALLY different menu before 10pm!  It’s huge!

201. Propositions from straight guys are tempting, but not when the straight guy is creepy.

202. Blog formatting takes way too much effort sometimes.

203. Seriously, zombies are funny.

204. No one else is online at 3:30 AM.  Why did I not learn this sooner?  Like in the 40’s or 50’s sections of the mono lessons?

205. Nothing beats IMAX 3D.

206. One-paragraph summaries of an all-over-the-place lecture are rather difficult.

207. Follow my gut…  I already know this, I just need to remind myself.

208. It’s really weird to be taking The Psychology of Love when starting a new relationship…

Jason

Those of you on Facebook, "Follow" me at http://jasonhoggan.blogspot.com/.

               

Mono Lessons (Part IX: 166-186)

You'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll thank God you don't have mono.

---

166. The maximum amount of actually funny gay jokes has been reached.

167. Zombies are to Lindsey as Aliens are to me.

168. Allie can fit the rim of a midget Denny’s water glass in her mouth. Video proof has been captured.

169. Gay PDA in Utah is a personal safety risk.

170. An unusually large number of people are mistakenly told they have an enlarged heart.

171. Haiku is much better when in Zombie form.

172. It’s so much easier to date other Mormons.

173. Some people say to “live every week like it’s ‘Shark Week.’” I prefer to “live every week like it’s ‘Armageddon Week.”

174. I miss photography.

175. “I’ve learned how to cry and I’m better for that.” (from “Many the Miles” by Sara Bareilles)

176. Certain people are truly in the wrong line of work.

177. UTemps is my baby.

178. Hope.

179. The best medicine is laughing until it hurts. Then laughing until the hurt hurts. Then laughing until you are on the brink of crying because of the pain. Haha.

180. Arvilla is a name. A woman’s name. And she’s the best Denny’s server ever.

181. Grief and mourning is necessary for my survival, sanity, and peace of mind.

182. I have immense anger and resentment towards him for what has happened.

183. Freedom can be bittersweet.

184. Caffeine does a number on my entire body.

185. One Diet Coke can induce:

a. Heart arrhythmia

b. Hyperactivity

c. Attention deficit

d. Freezing cold hands – blood vessel constriction

e. Jitteriness

f. Racing thoughts

g. Increased heart rate

h. Anxiety associated with the heart arrhythmia

186. Never have caffeine again.

Jason

Those of you on Facebook, "Follow" me at http://jasonhoggan.blogspot.com/.

              

Mono Lessons (Part VI: 100-120)

You'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll thank God you don't have mono.

---

100. Bowling only works out one arm.

101. I must stay on a regular eating schedule.

102. I REALLY can hold a grudge.

103. Poor lane etiquette really pisses me off.

104. I feel more comfortable bowling in light. Yes, rather than dark.

105. The harmonica is harder to play than it looks.

106. I’m confused by the phenomenon of “friends with benefits.”

107. Some people and environments can become truly toxic I one’s life.

108. I might have to fight with my brother about which one of us gets to name our first son Dean.

109. I have a slight potassium deficiency.

110. Potassium deficiency is called hypokalemia. I think the “k” is in there solely for its atomic symbol.

111. Hypokalemia has many symptoms identical to those of mono.

112. I have a fairly pronounced and normal sinus arrhythmia.

113. I also have a more exciting arrhythmia that I don’t have a fun name for…yet. I just happen to get tons and tons premature beats when in its peak.

114. There is some technology that seems like it would, should, and could be so much more advanced than it is, but it isn’t.

115. Jailbait isn’t as exciting as it sounds.

116. It is possible to steal from Express.com without meaning to. Then when you try to correct the error through your local Express store, they can’t help you. Lastly, you feel okay about having accidentally stolen due to Express’ error and lack of in-store correctional skills.

117. Jealousy arrives when I learn someone was able to make out with a hot redhead.

118. December 6, 2009 – Panda fortune reads: “You will always be surrounded by true friends.” Jason then begins crying in the mall food court with his friend. ☺

119. It’s nice to have pants that fit.

120. These things I actually like and they also have potassium in them:

a. Orange juice

b. Cranberry juice

c. Kiwis

d. Mangoes (non-pinetree-tasting)

e. Papayas

f. Pears

g. Giant potassium pills that are even larger than Augmenton

h. Nectarines

i. Raisins

j. Banana splits. ☺

k. Salmon

l. Halibut

m. Cod

n. Tuna

o. Apricots

p. Strawberries

q. Broccoli

r. Cauliflower

s. Brussels sprouts. Yes, I like Brussels sprouts. Wanna take this outside?

t. Cantaloupe

u. Onions

v. Spinach

w. Baked potatoes. Unfortunately, most of the potassium is in the disgusting skin.

x. Nuts

y. Avocados…in guacamole. That’s the only way I can handle avocados.

z. And finally, bananas…listed last for so many reasons…

Jason

Those of you on Facebook, "Follow" me at http://jasonhoggan.blogspot.com/.

Mono Lessons (Part III: 51-66)

You'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll thank God you don't have mono.

---

51. It could have been worse.

52. IKEA is one of the best ideas ever.

53. You can truly forgive without actually forgetting.

54. Some talent goes beyond my wildest dreams.

55. Gender and sexual orientation are 100x more complicated and confusing than I ever thought. And look whose talking.

56. “Gay” doesn’t quite cut it. But is there something that does?

57. You can’t get nasal spray vaccinations for the flu if you have some sort of preexisting condition.

58. It’s hard to stay “healthy enough” to have a chance to get a regular injected flu vaccine.

59. People use the most idiotic excuses to avoid taking responsibility.

60. I can actually work from home quite easily if I don’t have to call anybody.

61. The politics in that place are f***ing bullshit. Oh wait, I knew that already. It was just reaffirmed…again. How redundant.

62. Kneaders has the best oatmeal raison cookies.

63. Butternut squash bisque from Paradise is amazing.

64. On ultra annoying nausea days, Chipotle is often the only thing I can fathom eating. Specifically the hard shell tacos.

65. Jessica and I have our mindless and hilarious conversations at work to help keep a satisfying level of sanity (or insanity).

66. Mono screwed with my:

a. Appetite

b. Skin

c. Scalp

d. Sinuses

e. Throat

f. Weight

g. Pants

h. Belts

i. Head

j. Judgment

k. Voice

l. Personality

m. Mood

n. Amount of sleep

o. Sleep patterns

p. Sleep schedule

q. Sleep in general, apparently

r. School schedule

s. Work schedule

t. Boy schedule

u. Friend schedule

v. Homework schedule

w. Probably my pancreas

x. Probably the sac around my heart

y. Stamina

z. Motivation

aa. Drive

bb. Heart rhythm

cc. Diet

dd. Hydration

ee. Potassium levels

Jason

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