Sweet Dreams

Warm and comfortable here in my bed, the door opens with a chilling breeze flooding every inch of me and my room.

*sigh*

The Best Time To Fly
by Muffin-and-Lemonade
deviantART

I close my eyes and prepare again for this ritual.
Sweet dreams are made of this, right?
This time, the beach.  The warm, soothing beach.
Right.
Here we go...

I feel the wet, soft sand breaking underneath my feet and squishing between my toes.  I look over the ocean's surface through my sunglasses from under my flamboyantly large sun-shading hat.  It's so calm and relaxing.  A wave rolls up the beach and wraps its fingers around my ankles.  I sink into the sand as the wave pulls away.  I stay put.  Can waves alone bury me in sand?  Another smooth wave deposits more sand over my feet.  This feels so weird!  My ankles are sensually bound by the sweat-soaked sand...

Wait!  Ouch!  I'm stuck!  This hurts!

"Shhhh!"

I gently lift my feet out of the sand and see my reflection in the water as the wave spills back into the ocean.  I love my red summer dress.  So retro chic with the red lace.
I look to the horizon again.
What's that?  Can't be a wave...that's far too big.  The surface has been so calm.  Oh no...  It is a wave...and it's coming my way.
Run run run!  I hear it fold over itself as it moans and groans toward me.  It's close, it's close!  Run faster, run faster!  
I knew I couldn't run fast enough.  It caught me - battered me down into the bed of sand, wind knocked out of me.  I'm drenched; soaked in sticky, slimy, stinky sea scum.  There's scum in my hair, scum on my face, scum in my mouth, scum in my...

*whop*

The towel hits my back.
"Clean yourself up.  You can shower in the morning.  'night."
"FUUUUCK YOU!"  I scream in my head and shriek with my eyes.
"Oh, and remember our deal."
"Goodnight," I grunt.

I'm still not very good at this.  I want to escape, travel the world, but then my escape even takes me.
Sweet dreams.  Ha.  What are they made of?
I don't even know any more.

It's impossible to transpose...

...Anger, Rage, Titillation, Penetration, Screams, Pain, Blood...

...into serenity. 

I didn't sleep.  Time for a calculated nap.
Ahhh...  This beach is simply beautiful.  I wish I could live here.  I wish I could leave home and stay in this place forever.  It's so warm...so safe...so calm...

Red Coat Reverie I
by shamoney shambles
Flickr

A familiar chill runs up my spine, engulfing my body.  I whip my head around to find myself surrounded by snow-covered peaks.  As I shiver in my bathing suit, I assure myself, "It's okay...it's okay.  I'll be fine.  This will work just fine.  Just stay here and I'll be fine."  I walk into the lodge followed by many stares and double-takes.  Luckily they have plenty of snow gear for sell.  I pull out my bottomless wallet and purchase a beautiful winter coat.  It's red with hint of lace.  Since I'm here, I guess I should at least rent some skis and try it out.

The ski lift ride is jostling, blustery, and white-knuckled.  At least I'm warmer here under the covers...in my coat.  I get off the lift and slip over to my first run:  Sucker Punch.  They say it's an easy run if you don't think too hard about it - just use your split-second instincts.  Right, don't think.  Here we go.

I push off feeling the cold breeze on my rosy red cheeks.  The rush of weaving in and out of trees, people, and more trees is exhilarating.  I really start to pick up speed.  I see a jump up ahead...  Hmmm...I don't think....  Wait, exactly, don't think.  Just go!  I reach the bottom of the jump, swoop upward, and lift off!  Flying high into the air in slow motion.  I feel snow flakes tap my face.  

*smack*

Ughhh, my face.  Ahh...Sucker Punch...I get it now...  I flip myself over, onto my back.  I have sopping wet white snow all over my hair and my face, in my mouth, and in my...

*whop*

Towel again tossed at my cocooned body.  All I can do is shiver and breathe and cry wrapped up in my red, lace-trimmed comforter.
"Clean yourself up.  Your mother is home.
...Remember our deal.  See you again tonight." 

Right, our deal.  I'll never forget our deal.  And what a deal it is:
I lie here, breathe, and he doesn't kill me.
I clean up, breathe, and he doesn't kill me.
I keep quiet, breathe, and he doesn't kill me.
I feign innocence, breathe, and he doesn't kill me.
I lie here, breathe, and he doesn't kill me.
Sweet dreams are made of...me.

168.365 all the words in my mouth, #474 in explore !
by ashley rose
Flickr

Dinner.  Steak.

This is hell.

This is insane.

I'm bound, gagged, and in shackles...

How can mom not see this?

This agony has got to stop.

This nightmare ends here.

This time is the last time.

Hell is for sleazy scum like him; not for children.

If mom won't help me, I'll help myself.
I slip one of her precious steak knives into my pocket as I finish cleaning the dishes and prepare to return to my tainted bed.

I immediately tuck the knife under my pillow, inside the pillow case.

Opening the Door
by twenty_questions
Flickr

*knock*knock*

My door creaks open.
"Go away," I say, face in pillow, knife handle clenched.
"Just a kiss goodnight."
"Go away."
"Just a kiss goodnight, I said."
"Fine."

These goodnight kisses take longer and longer each night.

*click*

Darkness.  I know it too well.  Time for that kiss.

Tikka Powder
by Amit Rosner
cplaces.wordpress.com

I walk down the alleys of the cramped market standing out like a rose in full bloom wearing my brilliantly red saree.  There is excitement buzzing through the crowd.  "Color, color, color, color" is all I hear.  Is it Holi?  Oh how I would love to celebrate the Festival of Colors with the Indians!  People are buying handfuls of pigments from giant anthills of color!  I want some red.  "Who has red?  Who has red?!"  A woman tugs on my saree and pulls me to a shop.  I look at a mound of red in front of me.  I look at the woman and say, "Now that's what I call red!  Thank you!"  She gives a laugh and moves on.  "Four handfuls, please."

I walk out of the crowded market with my bags of red to a more open area.  Awww, it's so cloudy for such a happy day!  Our colors will brighten it up.  All this color will make the sun want to poke his way through those clouds and see what we're doing down here.  More and more locals begin to fill the area around me, each one of them holding some color.  I holler to the man next to me, "When should I do it?"  He looks back at me with a serene look on his face saying, "Now, my dear!"  He clenches his eyes closed and releases his dust in ecstasy.  Color color everywhere!
Color...
Color...
Red
Red...
Red......
It's all red...?
Oh how I love red!

I'm covered!  Covered in red red red!  It's in my hair, on my face, in my mouth, and in my...

*boom*crash*bang* 

The downpour begins.  I knew the sun would want to see, but what a messy way to clear the clouds!  Instantly, our pigment drenched faces turn deep, rich shades, staining each fibre it touches.  The red drips from my body.  It drips through my hair, down my neck and face, into my mouth, along my back, and into my...

*drip*drip*drip*

Dripping Wet
by mlibrarianus
Flickr

"The deal's off," I choke out.  "I'm not going to breathe for you any more."
He howls and frantically pulls out the knife I, only moments ago, gently placed in my neck during his blind euphoria.
Only a few more

*drip*drip*drip*'s

and sweet dreams are here to stay.


Music to my ears.

*drip*drip*drip*

Sing me to sleep...
Sing me to sleep...
I don't want to wake up...
Sweet dreams.

---

Inspired by:
Sucker Punch

"Asleep" by Emily Browning from Sucker Punch
"Sweet Dreams (Are Made Of This)" by Emily Browning from Sucker Punch (originally by Eurythmics)
"Hell is for Children" and "Suffer The Little Children" by Pat Benatar
"This Time" by Céline Dion
"The Dark I Know Well" from Spring Awakening
Life
Others' Lives

Those of you on Facebook, "Follow" me at http://jasonhoggan.blogspot.com/.

MONO Lessons (Part XVII: 343 - 365)

Meditatively Obtained, Novel, and Observational (MONO) Lessons

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343. Surprisingly, Lagoon is actually more fun picnic-style.

344. I miss her.

345. Even when I thought it couldn’t be done, they hurt me even more than they already had.

346. This must be what “I think I’m falling in love” feels like.

347. My past feels like someone else’s life.

348. Nutrition in this country is deplorable.

349. The Food Pyramid changed since I was in elementary school and nobody told me.

350. Another thing nobody ever told me:  You’re supposed to poop at least once a day!  This makes me unbelievably angry.  Why did nobody ever tell me this?!

351. Life is better when you’re regular.

352. When you’ve got momentum, ride it.  Ride it hard.

353. Photoshop CS2 is very…manual.  It’s like driving a stick shift.  I’ve never driven a stick shift, but I assume they are similar to Photoshop CS2…only completely different.

354. Wendover is like the cabin…only completely different.

355. Lagoon + Cabin + Swollen Glands + School Starting = Kidney Stone + 10(PAIN)

356. Sometimes it's hard to tell the difference between someone giving you a look of disgust and checking you out.

357. Low potassium increases one’s risk of kidney stones.  Why the HELL did nobody mention this to me?  I read this in my nutrition 1020 book.  1020.  You know what 1020 means?  Easy.  What is wrong with our healthcare system?!?

358. Hard decisions are hard.

359. When the momentum is against you, sometimes you can’t keep fighting it any more.

360. I wear my emotions on my sleeve…and my face.

361. I wouldn't do it again, but I would NEVER take it back.

362. I have absolutely no idea what I want to do with my life.  It’s overwhelming and a bit frightening.

363. A W is better than not passing due to exhaustion.

364. Every time I read my nutrition book, I become more furious towards society and healthcare.

365. I’m not the only gurgler.

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Medium & Television's Biggest Insult

 

How could you be more insulting, CBS?  Cancelling Medium, the best drama on television, in the middle of the season?!?  Insulting and absurd.

Here's the story.  First, all you need to know is I LOVE Medium and believe it is the best drama on television.  Medium ran for 5 seasons on NBC (2005-2009) and did quite well.  Interestingly enough, Medium is actually a CBS show that NBC "purchased" the rights to air for those 5 years.  While on NBC, the show had a couple of schedule changes, but usually aired on Monday nights at 9pm here in the Mountain Time (MT) Zone, 10pm most other places.  My point, it was NBC's headline show on Mondays.  Patricia Arquette and crew grew a moderately sized, but very steady fan base that followed them throughout those first 5 years.

During Medium's fifth season, we learned NBC was not going to renew their "subscription" with CBS to continue airing the show.  This was disappointing, but not shocking.  Immediately after this report, rumors began that CBS would pick it up for the next season.  Good thing, too, because season 5 ended with a HUGE cliff hanger.  Luckily, season 6 began in fall 2009 on CBS airing Friday nights at 8pm MT (9pm elsewhere).

It is well known that Friday night is not the best night for primetime television (see Friday night death slot) because a lot of people go out...myself included.  Thank goodness for online tv!  (If only CBS would get with it and join with Hulu...)  That said, Medium was the "hook" show for CBS's hit Ghost Whisperer starring Jennifer Love Hewitt airing the following hour.  This was quite the Friday night supernatural crime-fighting duo.  Unfortunately, due to Medium's network, day, and time switches, ratings slipped...but not horribly.

Let me just say, season 6 was amazing.  It included what I now say is my favorite episode of Medium.  The key: amazing writing.

Then the drama began as CBS's 09-10 season came to a close and show renewals and cancellations were announced.   
On the chopping block:  The New Adventures of Old Christine, Gary Unmarried, Cold Case, Accidentally on Purpose, Miami Medical, Rules of Engagement, Numb3rs, (dun dun dun) Ghost Whisperer, and (dun dun dun....DUNNNN) Medium.

Who survived?  Rules of Engagement and Medium.

I can't even tell you how relieved I was to hear we'd get at least one more season out of Medium.  Phew!  The part that bothered me, though, was the cancellation of Ghost Whisperer.  Don't misinterpret what I'm saying...I am not / was never a fan of that show.  But I knew it gave life to Medium...

The next change Medium experienced was in the Friday night lineup.  It's previous time at 8pm MT (9pm elsewhere) was bad enough, but CBS moved Medium to 7pm MT (8pm elsewhere)!  Quite possibly the worst timeslot available for a television show.  This change in conjunction with CBS's other cancellations made me realize this 7th season would most likely be Medium's last, so enjoy it.

November 18, 2010:  CBS Cancels Medium.  It's last episode will air on January 21, 2011.

WTF?

Yes, I had a very good feeling this would be Medium's last season...but I would have never predicted CBS would pull the rug out from under the show mid-season.  I can't think of anything more insulting to a television show crew.

I can't sleep either, Allison.

CBS, you blew it.  This is your own fault.  It makes me wonder why you "saved" the show in the first place.  It is absurd that the mother network of Medium would place it in most abysmal timeslots and expect ratings to be as high as the NBC glory days.  Way to run the show out of town.  I hope you're happy with yourselves.  You were very successful in cancelling the best show on television.

Now you've given me one more reason to watch CBS even less than I already do.  You will only get my attention on Sunday nights (oddly at 7pm) to watch The Amazing Race.  You'll probably cancel that soon too since it's a 7-time Emmy Award winner for best reality TV show.

The Amazing Race ends December 12, Medium leaves January 21...  CBS, please consider me a lost viewer once Medium officially ends.

Jason

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MONO Lessons (Part XIII: 246-270)

Meditatively Obtained, Novel, and Observational (MONO) Lessons

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246. March 1st’s abruptness can actually continue to surprise me, and more so each year.

247. While in the shower, I realized I haven't honestly had the drive to find a companion or a mate since last July (2009).  And the drive continues to be absent.  (Typed in late February / early March 2010.)

248. “Time just sifts through its sift.”  (from “Buildings” by Regina Spektor)

249. Swallowing pride isn’t all that bad.  And it’s gluten-free!!!

250. Communication is KEY…from every individual involved.

251. Timing is everything…still.

252. Reaching new levels of friendship are the best!

253. Rapture is found in challenging yourself.

254. Once you floss for a while, on a regular basis, that is, your gums eventually stop bleeding!

255. I can’t read your damn mind.

256. A lot of people just don’t understand depression and it’s not worth my time trying to get them to understand.

257. I love my friends to death…but they can sure do some things that really grind my gears.

258. Lack of communication pisses me off.

259. I never thought I could/would talk about poop so freely and easily.

260. Addendum to lesson #205:  Yes, nothing beats IMAX 3D, but nothing is more trippy than IMAX 3D on the front row.  Those numbers at the beginning…they literally hit you in the face.

261. “I have been running, so sweaty my whole life / Urgent for a finish line. / And I have been missing the rapture this whole time of being forever incomplete.” (from “Incomplete” by Alanis Morissette)  Alanis taught me this a while ago, but I thought it was worth adding to my list.

262. I can live without nasal spray finally.  A day for the history books:  Saturday, March 13, 2010 at 11:35PM I threw away my last bottle of nasal spray.  Since I hadn’t used it in a week, it seemed like an appropriate opportunity to get it out of my life.

263. All goat-derived products are absolutely repulsive.

264. Rubio’s is just plain amazing.

265. Giving an honest and positive opinion is really worthwhile.

266. I have absolutely no control over my intense attraction to certain people.

267. The only reason Saturday morning online class tests aren’t all that bad is the fact that I get to watch an episode of Mighty Morphin’ Power Rangers before driving up to the U.

268. Group work…ugh…it’s obnoxious, really.  Always has been, always will be.

269. When I get extremely angry about my food situation, I go on a gluten-free shopping spree and throw out intolerable food at home.

270. TMI, but I’ve never pooped this regularly before.  A good and healthy diet sure helps a lot.

Jason

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Ignorant Remarks, Insensitive Timing - Their Injurous Consequences and the Impending Paradigm Shift

I knew it was going to take something BIG to get me blogging again.  If you hadn't noticed, I've been MIA for a while now...since August 18th, to be exact.  I've been away for a number of reasons, but it all amounts to this:  I have so much to say, so much going on inside my head, and so little time, that I quit writing altogether.  But I can't stay silent any longer.  A talk given by Elder Boyd K. Packer this last weekend put me over the edge.  Unfortunately, this is the BIG thing bringing me back to blogging life.  

Before I fully begin, I know this blog is bound to receive more traffic via Facebook than anywhere else.  Unfortunately, Facebook Notes imports strangely sometimes, so I recommend viewing this Note on my actual blog at http://jasonhoggan.blogspot.com/2010/10/ignorant-remarks-insensitive-timing.html.

So here we go.

The month of September brought us 4 nationally publicized suicides (6+, if you look a little deeper) of LGBT individuals.  It also brought us the blocking of a bill that would allow for the repeal of the military's "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" (DADT) policy.

If you are interested, here is a wonderful description of the recent DADT events in the US Senate.  Thank you for laying it out for us, Ms. Maddow:

(Video URL:  http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/21134540/vp/39298345#39298345)

"Senators, your culture war is showing."

And then the suicides.  This clip from Ellen DeGeneres is chill-inducing in the last 5 seconds.

(Video URL:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_B-hVWQnjjM) 

"Things will get easier, people's minds will change, and you should be alive to see it."

---

This brings us to conference weekend.  Here is the talk in any format you could imagine:

Audio
Video
Text 
(Disclaimer:  The TEXT version has been edited by the LDS Church to read differently than the words spoken in the audio and video versions.  I guess it's kind of a step in the right direction...kind of...?  Not really...  Details HERE.)

Now that we're all on the same page, here are my comments.  I avoided Facebook commenting too much because this is how I choose to display my opinion regarding this talk.  It's all here.  If I change my mind or have more to say, I'll write more in the coming days, weeks, and months.

It seemed like this talk was going to be about pornography, but it takes some very strange turns...  I have 4 quotes to scrutinize which I have transcribed from the Audio/Video versions - the original words heard by the world and not necessarily relayed in the edited text version.

1.

"We must understand that any persuasion to enter into any relationship that is not in harmony with the principles of the gospel must be wrong."

A monogamous same-sex relationship in no way deviates from the principles of the gospel.  However, it is interpreted that since both members of the duo are of the same sex, this relationship is "unnatural."  "Unnatural" is a synonym for "wrong" in the LDS Church.  I believe life is too complicated to be described by plug outlets and pipe joints.  Of course a male joint won't attach to another male joint.  But you know what?  I'm not a plug.  I'm a human being.  I believe my biology, psychology, physiology, and spirituality are a bit more intricate than a plug's.  My point is, it's not black and white.  No matter how many times I say that, the people who think it is black and white are too insane (I mean that quite literally) to even consider other thinking.  You only become sane when you realize your own and the world's insanity - and change.

Who are you to define what is "natural" and what is not?  Lack of understanding about something doesn't make it "unnatural."  Take gravity, for instance.  I'm in physics and I know physicists know NOTHING about gravity.  It's the weirdest force.  It hasn't yet been "combined" with all of the other forces.  That's the purpose of the various grand unified theories out there (like String Theory).  Being the physics nerd I am, then, I have to pick at Elder Packer's quote about voting to change the law of gravity.

2.

"...if we are not alert, there are those today who not only tolerate, but advocate voting to change laws that would legalize immorality, as if a vote would somehow alter the designs of God's laws and nature. A law against nature would be impossible to enforce, for instance, what good would a vote against the law of gravity do?  There are both moral and physical laws irrevocably decreed in heaven before the foundation of the world that cannot be changed.  History demonstrates over and over again that moral standards cannot be changed by battle and cannot be changed by ballot."

He does not give any examples of his last statement.  He then goes on to say that various societies are trying to legalize what is "basically wrong or evil."

The thing is, our understanding of gravity is changing, and it's changing radically every day.  In the meantime, it keeps working the way it always has and always will.  To fit it correctly into a grand unified theory, we have to CHANGE OUR THINKING about how gravity works.  We've had to nearly start over with gravity!  We are choosing, even voting, to change our thinking!  We aren't changing the law of gravity, we're changing how we think about the law of gravity.

The same thing is happening with LGBT+ issues.  Gays, lesbians, etc., etc., have been around forever and always will be.  But we're social outcasts.  We don't fit into the grand unified theory the heterosexuals have set forth.  Hence, thinking has to change.  It is changing.  Thinking about sexuality, sexual orientation, gender, gender identification, psychology, physiology, spirituality...everything!  It's all changing.

The paradigm is shifting.

And again, here we have the Church telling its members how to vote.  I do not need to expound on this here since I have before.  Click HERE for more information and my personal opinion on the matter.

3.

"Some suppose that they were pre-set and cannot overcome what they feel are inborn tendencies toward the impure and unnatural.  Not so!  Why would our Heavenly Father do that to anyone?  Remember, he is our father."

I've said it a million times.  I was born gay.  I also believe I was gay in the pre-existence and will be gay in the afterlife.  Elder Packer uses the question "Why would our Heavenly Father do that to anyone?" in exact opposition to its true intention.

Why would our Heavenly Father create someone with inborn tendencies toward the impure and unnatural?  He wouldn't.  I truly believe that.  To me, this then implies  "homosexuality" isn't impure and unnatural.  I was born with that trait, therefore it is pure and natural.  It's that simple.  You have no authority to tell me otherwise.

Here, Elder Packer is also implying sexual orientation is changeable.  With all due respect, Elder Packer, if you willfully change your sexual orientation, then maybe I'll take a second look at the decades of science proving you utterly wrong.

4.

"Agency is precious."  Why does this church place so much verbal value on agency, yet never advise its members to use their agency.  Agency is more than choosing the "right choice" or the "wrong choice."  It's the act of getting down on your knees and conversing with your God.  Talk to Him and discover what the best option is for you at that time.  It's so disappointing that these words will now go into the minds of most Mormons as doctrine, as direct inspiration and word from God.  These apostles and prophets are human too, you know.  They have their opinions just as we do.  It is each individual member's responsibility to pray about the words they hear at conference for confirmation or cancellation of their divine nature.  It is my opinion that the words in this talk are those of an angry, out-of-touch old man, bitter about his Proposition 8 being overturned by the court system.  These words are not divine.

If someone reading this does choose to get down on their knees and truly ask for guidance regarding these complex LGBT+ issues, try to clear your mind and go into it seeking the best answer - not the answer you expect or are looking for.  Two years ago just before election time '08 when I "outed" myself via Facebook, I had a former friend of mine converse with me about my sexuality through Facebook messages.  Needless to say, this person was convinced I was in the wrong and I gently encouraged them to pray about the subject.  Three days later I received a message from them telling me they received their answer and I was indeed living in sin.  Three days.  Three.  Days.  It took me 10 years to get my answer.  What an ignorant and disrespectful slap in the face.  I believe my point has been made.

---

Evil.  Immoral.  Unrepentant.  Sinful.  Unrighteous.  Disobedient.  Tempted.  Wrong.  Unnatural.  Wicked.  Impure.  Unworthy.

That's a list of words describing ME used by an apostle of what I usually call "my Church."  I'm again questioning why I call it that.

Why do I keep standing up for you, Church?  When a non-member says something like, "Why do they listen to these old men anyway?", why do I try to explain why?  It's a culture.  How on earth do you explain an entire culture to somebody from a different culture?  I am weary, Church.  I can't...I WON'T...stand up for you any more.  If the teachings coming out of you are true and good, they don't need an explanation - they don't need to be defended!  I'm not doing it any more!  I don't even know why I've been doing it or who I've been doing it for over the past few years.  I'm beginning to realize I haven't been doing it for me...  So I quit.  Claiming membership with you means I have to live with a perpetual knife sticking out of my back.  Talks like this give it a nice twist.  How do I pull out the knife without bleeding to death?

I have thick skin and individuals can say whatever they want to or at me.  But that's not the point.  It's the fact that an entire culture is this way...a culture of which I used to be a part.  It's heartbreaking.

---

Ideas and quotes from others that I would like to address:

1.  It's freedom of speech.  Obviously this is true.  The greatest blessing and consequence of having the right to free speech is that others have the right to freely scrutinize and challenge your speech with theirs.  The thing is, in the LDS Church, this speech is now considered doctrine from God.  Try arguing the word of God with a devout Mormon.  It's a hopeless cause.  You swirl around in mindless double-speak and babble until you quit.  There are far too many Mormons who do not apply their agency and access to personal revelation to the words of the apostles and prophets.  They take it for doctrine and that's that.  End of story.  It's impossible to converse with someone who's key debate point is "the word of God."  Everybody is entitled to their opinion, but nobody is entitled to be a bigot.

2.  He is a good man with good intentions.  That very well may be, but good intention does not imply good message.

3.  "Love the sinner, not the sin."  This classic cliche is bullshit.  Anyone who has been a "victim" of someone acting like this knows it.  You can see it in their eyes...they think your are as worthless as the "sin."  People who treat others this way just ooze a holier-than-thou attitude, but they don't know it.  If you're going to tell me you love me despite the fact that I'm a sinner, I don't want your love.  "But we're all sinners!"  What a happy-go-lucky way to think of life.

4.  I tolerate gays.  Mormons tolerate gays.  If I remember correctly, Christ didn't teach "Tolerate thy neighbor" or "Tolerate one another."  Tolerate is NOT a synonym for love.  When Mormons say they tolerate us, they mean reluctantly accept the immoral decisions we have made that are sending us to hell.  What a painful message to convey to all of the gay, lesbian, bi, trans...different children, teens, and adults in your sacrament meeting, primary class, Sunday school class, young men's class, and young women's class.  With so much silent hatred bombarding us from our Churches, our families, our "friends," our schools, our communities...it's no wonder a number of individuals begin to believe they are worthy of the hatred and end their own life.

5.  "Homosexuality."  This word has nearly no meaning any more - especially when an uninformed or ignorant person uses it.  Diversify your vocabulary.  You can start by asking "homosexuals" how they choose to label their sexuality.  Trust me, that question is not offensive if asked sincerely.

6.  "Homosexuality" is a temptation to be overcome.  I'm going to let John Shore with the Huffington Post take this one for me.  'Just Resist the Temptation': The Anti-Love Approach to Homosexuality

7.  What was said at conference was nothing new.  How true this is!  In fact, it was a throwback to 1972!  The timing of this repeated message makes the message more vile than it already is.  Just as the LGBT+ community thought it was making some ground due to the Church's recently silent stance on "homosexuality"...just as Prop 8 is beginning the overturning process...  Then just as Congress blocks a clause allowing the military to repeal DADT...just as we hear of the 6+ suicides in the month of September alone.  The timing and tone of Packer's message is repulsive.

8.  A protest won't help anything.  The opinions about protests and rallies that I have read are fascinating to me.  Reading them sent me all over the map with my own opinion.  In the end, I decided a rally is what I make of it.  I'm not protesting the Church's right to free speech.  I'm protesting the timing of it and the hatred and misinformation conveyed in it.  I don't want more LGBT+ individuals to take their lives over these issues.  I want to be part of a community outreach.  Let's use this as another way to bring awareness and stimulate conversation.  I am not following a flock and I don't appreciate being told whether I should join a rally or not.  I'm not a mindless drone.  I can make decisions for myself.  I thought very deeply about the role I wanted to play in this rally.

With 4,500+ showing up, I believe it helped something.

---

Final thoughts:

The divisiveness I have seen among the LGBT+ community over this has been utterly eye-opening.  And not in the happy way.  I am learning there are separate and distinct factions of gay activists in this valley.  I guess that's how it always goes with a minority.  One group wants things done this way, another group wants it done another way.  Be careful...  Can't we just use this as a time to unite?

I am exhausted.  I am tired.  I am weary.  I am brokenhearted.  I am disappointed.  I am aching, trembling, crying.  I am overwhelmed.  I am sad, mad, and angry.
How many suicides is it going to take?

When I was a Peter Priesthood years ago, I used to be offended when non-members would say Mormons were not Christian.  "But we believe in Christ!"  "Of course you do, but you aren't Christlike."  It makes sense to me now.  Being Christian is more than believing in Christ - it's also being Christlike.  Unfortunately, far too many Mormons are NOT exhibiting Christlike behavior.

To my friends and family:

Without your love and support, I shudder to think where my life would be today - if I would even still be here.  Your love, support, and empathy take the edge off of the overwhelming emotions continually stirred by this culture.  My heart breaks for those friends of mine without the same support I have, especially from my family.  I wish I could somehow offer a solace to those without this system of support.

So to those of you reading this, I ask this.  Please be that loving, understanding, empathetic support that so many of us LGBTs need so desperately.  Take the time to understand the complexities surrounding all of the issues LGBT individuals face every day.  Go into it without preconception.  You'll be enlightened.

Thank you for reading.  I am now going on a much-needed weekend getaway.  The week's ignorance has exhausted me.

Farewell.

Jason

Those of you on Facebook, "Follow" me at http://jasonhoggan.blogspot.com/.

"Destructive" by LeAnn Rimes

This is one of my very favorite angry, I-hate-the-world, leave-me-alone-I'm-raging-pissed songs.  For me, it's all in the lyrics and vocals.  For others, it's in screaming and loud noises.  Those of you that prefer screaming and loud noises may not appreciate this song the same way I do, but that's okay.  Anyway, I got SO excited when I found out she was performing a sessions-type version of this song for Live on Abbey Road.  Ever since I first heard this song on her album Whatever We Wanna, I wanted to see her passion when performing it.

Here, LeAnn talks about the song.

Her is the performance; lyrics provided below.

"Destructive" - LeAnn Rimes

If I could smoke a cigarette right now, I would
Rip out of my skin, commit the sins, oh I could
If I could break a heart and throw it all away for just one night
My conscience wouldn't care if I just went ahead and wrecked my life.

I want to be destructive
Trash everything in site
Beat the Devil at his game
Abuse myself all night
I want to bitch the world out
One loud aching scream
Don't want anybody wanting anything from me

Yeah, yeah…

I'm sick of being perfect
With your perfect little smile
Pick a fight with danger
Be a stranger to myself for a while
I want to come unraveled
And have it out with my soul
I'm tired of all the voices telling me which way to go,
I wish you'd silence your opinion
That's the last thing that I want to know

I want to be destructive
Trash everything in site
Beat the Devil at his game
Abuse myself all night
I want to bitch the world out
One loud aching scream
Don't want anybody wanting anything from me

I'll fell better when I'm sane
But now I want to feel no pain
I'm really sick of thinking
I just want to be destructive

Oh, oh, oh…yeah…

I want to be destructive
Trash everything in site
Beat the Devil at his game
Abuse myself all night
I want to bitch the world out
One loud aching scream
Don't want anybody wanting anything from me

Yeah, yeah…

Jason

Those of you on Facebook, "Follow" me at http://jasonhoggan.blogspot.com/.

Gluten

So.  I'm sensitive/intolerant/allergic/whatever to gluten.  

First, I shall vent.  Here we go:

I'm mad.  I'm angry.  I'm PISSED.

Gluten is in everything.  Not really, but it sure appears that way right now.

I hate drawing attention to myself in restaurants.

I hate asking for a gluten-free menu.
I hate discussing my food allergy with strangers.
Eating out, just the thought of it, gives me anxiety.
I'm now a burden on society! Ah!

Have you ever had a freaking bun-less hamburger in public?  Yeah, I have.  It's weird.  And your friends stare in awe as you you eat it.

Now I'll get real.  Here we go again:

If one continues to eat gluten even though they are sensitive, they can/will develop celiac disease where one's small intestine gets so severely damaged that nutrients are no longer absorbed from food.  I don't want that.

Hence, I'm glad to know that gluten is one of the main reasons I've continued to feel so crappy.

So in the end, I'll do what it takes.  But it's not going to be easy getting used to this.

Any gluten-free restaurant suggestions, recipes, or other various product suggestions are welcomed and appreciated.

Jason

Those of you on Facebook, "Follow" me at http://jasonhoggan.blogspot.com/.