Depression, Anxiety, Love...and Other Drugs

*tap*tap*tap*

I can't write.

Why?

Well, the title pretty much explains it all.  It's also not vague in any way.

Okay, maybe it's a little vague considering I kind of copied a movie title a little tiny bit.

I have depression and anxiety.  Both are likely inherited (thanks, parents).  I have always been a rather anxious person.  I figure a large portion of my anxiety was actually learned and conditioned considering I grew up "different" and Mormon.  To say the least, that calls for a lot of nervous times.

Of course I have also been depressed at times...even suicidal.  But this time it's different.

Miserable Emptiness

There's no foundation to the sadness.  I feel an emptiness I believe could never be reconciled.  A void that could absolutely never be filled.  I don't want to do anything.  I don't want to move.  I don't want to talk.  I don't want to wake up.  I don't want to sleep.  If I sleep, I have to eventually wake up and...and...do something.  I don't want to see my friends.  I don't want to see my boyfriend.  I don't want to see my family.  It makes me sick.

I want to quit school.  I want to quit my job...s.  I want to quit.  I don't necessarily want to die, but I want to hurt myself so I can prove to you all how sick I am.  So I can prove to you how much I need to quit school...to quit my jobs...s.

I want to run away.  Running away will fix everything.  It will fix nothing.

I'm in love.  It's weird to be in love for the first time and also be extremely depressed.  And then to be taking an antidepressant that increases your anxiety five-fold.  I'm in love.  Why now?  What bizarre timing.

I want to run away...with him.  That will fix everything.  It will fix nothing.

I can't write.

I'm afraid to write.

I'm afraid to tell you what is going on with me.

I'm again afraid of being judged and having even more stereotypes hurled at me.

I want to run away.  I'll run until the pills, pills, and more pills kick in and fix everything.  They'll fix nothing.

They won't fix me.

They won't fix my family.

They won't fix the business.

They won't fix my boyfriend.

They won't fix my relationship with him either.

I guess I have to participate too.

I want to run away.  I want to hide until I have the energy to help the pills.

They're so demanding of me.

Those of you on Facebook, "Follow" me at http://jasonhoggan.blogspot.com/.

All this tiredness is making me sleepy.

I'm tired of being treated differently.
I'm so over being an exception.
I'm sick of everything I say and do being new, different, and "outside the box."

I'm spent making statements - political, social, religious...  

I'm done being "special." *gag* 

I'm tired of dodging possibly intellectual conversations.
I'm annoyed by the clumsy small talk.
I've had it with being the elephant in the room.
I'm worn out by my constantly burning ears.

I'm exhausted from hesitating.

I'm tired of being "abnormal."

I've had it up to here being called "homosexual."

I'm burnt out calling him "just a friend."

I'm disgusted with being your "gay friend."

I'm fed up with being the resident "gay couple."

I'm tired of being marginalized.

I'm tired of being classified. 

I'm tired of being compared - to gays, straights, and everyone in between...

I'm tired of being discriminated.

I'm tired of being stereotyped.

I'm tired of being an agenda.

I'm Jason.

Those of you on Facebook, "Follow" me at http://jasonhoggan.blogspot.com/.