Leave me alone! I'm sick of you! All you do is nag and complain! You're so damn needy! You demand excessive amounts of my attention. And the worst part? I give it to you.
Why do I keep doing this? I accept the fact you were part of my life...but we broke up! Can't we just move on and be cordial?
I keep lying for you... I keep withholding for you... I keep hiding for you... I keep failing for you... I keep (attempting) to impress for you... I keep defending you... I keep missing out...all so you won't hurt me! Why does my crying excite you? Some cowardly part of me is still terrified of you and you know it. And some sick part of me gets off on the fear, misery, and torture you inflict.
Over and over and over again!
I can't help but re-over-analyze you in my head, to my friends, to my family, in my writing, in my talking, in my crying, and in my screaming.
I hate how I let you control me!
No matter how much I think I've put you behind me and officially passed you by... No matter how many times I convince myself I've moved on... No matter what I do, you always creep back into my life and wreak havoc.
Does this mean I'm not where I thought? What am I missing? Where am I in this continuum? What do I need to do to keep you where you belong so you'll stop ruining my Now?
Have I not fully confronted you? Have I not faced you head on like I thought I have...over and over and over again...? Which one of us has the unresolved business? ...and what on earth will resolve it?!
I don't want to talk about you any more. I don't want to think about you any more. I deserve to think of happier things. I would much rather waste my time on anything else but you.
I went through your colic-like torment to get where I am Now. And you won't let me forget it. Do you need a thank-you letter or a reward? Do you want some sort of compensation? Do you feel entitled to torturously remind me how you made me who I am? Who is the victim here, anyway? Just because you're miserable doesn't mean I have to be miserable with you!
I'm sick of your pity party. Get over yourself. Just die. I deserve better than you. Let me get on with my life; I can't keep waiting to live.
Hilarious. Yes, I know I'm a dork for loving this. You are too. (I apologize if you see a commercial at the beginning of this. Finding a good quality video of this hilariousness was far too difficult.)
Here's the Black Eyed Peas original version:
It's really a tossup as to which one is better, huh?
I'm tired of being treated differently. I'm so over being an exception. I'm sick of everything I say and do being new, different, and "outside the box."
I'm spent making statements - political, social, religious...
I'm done being "special." *gag*
I'm tired of dodging possibly intellectual conversations. I'm annoyed by the clumsy small talk. I've had it with being the elephant in the room. I'm worn out by my constantly burning ears. I'm exhausted from hesitating.
I'm tired of being "abnormal."
I've had it up to here being called "homosexual."
I'm burnt out calling him "just a friend."
I'm disgusted with being your "gay friend."
I'm fed up with being the resident "gay couple."
I'm tired of being marginalized.
I'm tired of being classified.
I'm tired of being compared - to gays, straights, and everyone in between...
We spend, or should I say, waste so much time letting other people get us down. We spend so much time trying to please everyone else. We spend so much time trying to impress the world. We spend so much time over-analyzing innocent comments into deflating insults that make us feel So Unsexy, so unloved, so boring, and so ignorant. When will we start staying with ourselves instead?
Here is Alanis Morissette's "So Unsexy." The first version here is acoustic and was recorded as part of a Sessions gig Alanis did in Vancouver in 2004. I actually heard this acoustic version before I heard the original and fell in love with it.
Below the acoustic version is a performance of the original version which you will see has much more of a rock feel to it than the more tame, yet (in my opinion) more powerful acoustic rendition. As always, lyrics provided below.
Hope you like it. :-)
Acoustic:
Performance of Original (because a performance is more entertaining than a still pictures):
"So Unsexy" - Alanis Morissette
Oh these little rejections how they add up quickly One small sideways look and I feel so ungood Somewhere along the way I think I gave you the power to make Me feel the way I thought only my father could
Oh these little rejections how they seem so real to me One forgotten birthday I'm all but cooked How these little abandonments seem to sting so easily I'm 13 again am I 13 for good?
I can feel so unsexy for someone so beautiful So unloved for someone so fine I can feel so boring for someone so interesting So ignorant for someone of sound mind
Oh these little protections how they fail to serve me One forgotten phone call and I'm deflated Oh these little defenses how they fail to comfort me Your hand pulling away and I'm devastated
I can feel so unsexy for someone so beautiful So unloved for someone so fine I can feel so boring for someone so interesting So ignorant for someone of sound mind
When will you stop leaving baby? When will I stop deserting baby? When will I start staying with myself?
Oh these little projections how they keep springing from me I jump my ship as I take it personally Oh these little rejections how they disappear quickly The moment I decide not to abandon me
I can feel so unsexy for someone so beautiful So unloved for someone so fine I can feel so boring for someone so interesting So ignorant for someone of sound mind
277.Gluten antibodies attack and chop down the villi in my small intestines. Lactase, the enzyme that breaks down lactose, is created in the tip of the villi. Hence, I will seem “lactose intolerant” until my villi grow back.
278.“Wheat-free” does NOT infer “gluten-free.”
279.Blogging is like a disease. A rather contagious disease.
280.I’m a gatekeeper.
281.I live my life as an oxymoron. I love oxymorons and paradoxes.
282.Mayonnaise is evil. Of the devil, if you will.
283.I am eternally grateful for my past. Without it, I wouldn’t be where I am now.
284.I am infinitely relieved to have made it through the reconciliation brawl physically alive, psychologically intact, mentally resilient, and spiritually affirmed.
285.“He’s not cute enough to be gay!” – SH. I then burst out laughing.
286.Late at night, even regular humans can suddenly become cute, cuddly zombies.
287.I attached to UTemps like it was a person…
288.These tremendously complex bodies are bound to have a few minor errors.
289.Slumdog Millionaire is simply unbelievable and moves me in a way no movie ever has.
290.Really. It’s not me! It’s everybody else…. Trust me.
291.It’s not fair. And that will continue to resonate in my mind. It’s simply not fair.
Speaking of Medium (see my previous blog), I discovered this amazing song because of that amazing show...which is being cancelled. Did ya hear? Anyway, a handful of Medium episodes include a strategic placing of music.
The placement of "Hey, Soul Sister" by Train in an early season 6 episode of Medium was brilliant! I instantly fell in love with this song before it was even released! Let it be known that I was WAY ahead of the rest of the world with this song. By the time it hit the Top 10 list on iTunes, it was old news to me (and my friends, thanks to me). I mean like 6 month old news... Way to be behind, world. You should have watched Medium. And now it's being cancelled because of you. Oh, and CBS's idiocy.
Here is the music video for "Hey, Soul Sister" by Train and premiered on Medium. Lyrics below.
"Hey, Soul Sister" - Train
Heeey heeeey heeeeey
Your lipstick stains on the front lobe of my left side brains I knew I wouldn't forget you And so I went and let you blow my mind Your sweet moonbeam The smell of you in every single dream I dream I knew when we collided you're the one I have decided Who's one of my kind
Hey soul sister, ain't that mister mister on the radio, stereo The way you move ain't fair you know Hey soul sister, I don't wanna miss a single thing you do tonight
Heeey heeeey heeeey
Just in time, I'm so glad you have a one track mind like me You gave my life direction A game show love connection, we can't deny I'm so obsessed My heart is bound to beat right out my untrimmed chest I believe in you, like a virgin, you're Madonna And I'm always gonna wanna blow your mind
Hey soul sister, ain't that mister mister on the radio, stereo The way you move ain't fair you know Hey soul sister, I don't wanna miss a single thing you do tonight
The way you can cut a rug Watching you is the only drug I need So gangster, I'm so thug You're the only one I'm dreaming of You see I can be myself now finally In fact there's nothing I can't be I want the world to see you'll be with me
Hey soul sister, ain't that mister mister on the radio, stereo The way you move ain't fair you know Hey soul sister, I don't wanna miss a single thing you do tonight Hey soul sister, I don't wanna miss a single thing you do tonight Heeey heeeey heeeeey (tonight) Heeey heeeey heeeeey (tonight)
Next we have "Hands All Over" by Maroon 5. This song was stratigically placed in a fairly early episode of this season of Medium, season 7 (the last season...because it's being cancelled prematurely). To say the least, the inclusion of this song was hilarious. In this episode, Allison DuBois had a, let's say, wandering hand...
Here is "Hands All Over" by Maroon 5, the title track for their newest album, and featured on Medium. Lyrics below.
"Hands All Over" - Maroon 5
Put your hands all over Put your hands all over me Put your hands all over Put your hands all over me
(Put your hands all over me)
I can't seem to find the pretty little face I left behind
Wandered out on the open road
Looking for a better place to call home
Gave her a place to stay and she got up and ran away
And now I've had enough
Her pretty little face has torn me up
Put your hands all over me please talk to me, talk to me
Tell me everything's gonna be alright
Put your hands all over me
Please walk with me, walk with me now
Love is a game you say
Play me and put me away
(Put your hands all over me) ooh oh!
Now you've lost your mind
The pretty little girl I left behind
And now you're getting rough
But everybody knows you're not that tough
Wandered out on the open road
Looking for a place to call your own
You're scared to death of the road ahead
Pretty little thing, don't get upset
Put your hands all over me please talk to me, talk to me
Tell me everything's gonna be alright
Put your hands all over me please walk with me, walk with me now
Love is a game you say play me and put me away
Love is a game you say play me and put me away
Put your hands all over me
Put your hands all over me
Put your hands all over me
All over me
So come down off your cloud
Say it now 'n say it loud
Get up in my face
Pretty little girl come make my day
Put your hands all over me
Please talk to me, talk to me
Put your hands all over me
Gotta walk with me, walk with me now
Put your hands all over me
Gotta talk to me, talk to me
Come on now, babe
Put your hands all over me
Gotta walk with me, walk with me now
Love is a game you say play me and put me away
Love is a game you say play me and put me away
Put your hands all over me
Yeah (All over me)
Put your hands all over
Put your hands all over me
Now I didn't say I was a huge fan of the song "Hands All Over," but hearing it on Medium got me researching Maroon 5's new album by the same name. Since I'm on a roll here, I have to share my two favorite songs from the album Hands All Over. They are both exquisite.
I have been searching for your touch
Unlike any touch I've ever known
And I never thought about you much
Till I'm broken down and all alone, ohhh
Though I don't understand the meaning of love
I do not mind if I die trying, ohhh
Took it for granted when you lifted me up
I'm asking for your help
I am going through hell
Afraid nothing can save me but the sound of your voice
You cut out all the noise
And now that I can see mistakes so clearly now
I'd kill if I could take you back
But how?
But how?
I can feel it in my guts
What's going on with him now
Don't patronise me with lies,
I'm a man, be a woman now, ohhh
I have been bound by the shackles of love
And I don't mind if I die tied up, ohhh
Took it for granted when you lifted me up
I'm asking for your help
I am going through hell
Afraid nothing can save me but the sound of your voice
You cut out all the noise
And now that I can see mistakes so clearly now
I'd kill if I could take you back
But how?
But how?
But how?
But how?
Ohh yeah
Why must we be so ugly
And please do not think ill of me
Why does the one you love
Become the one who makes you want to cry
Why?
Why?
Why?
(And how?
How?)
Though I don't understand the meaning of love
I do not mind if I die trying
I do not mind if I die trying
I do not mind if I die trying
And lastly, "Never Gonna Leave This Bed." Best part? There's also an acoustic version...with a cello. Holy crap, right? Here is the original and acoustic. What an intense song...
Original
Acoustic
"Never Gonna Leave This Bed" - Maroon 5
You push me
I don't have the strength to
Resist or control you
So take me down, take me down
You hurt me
But do I deserve this?
You make me so nervous
Calm me down, calm me down
Wake you up
In the middle of the night to say
I will never walk away again
I'm never gonna leave this bed, oh
So come here
And never leave this place
Perfection of your face
Slows me down, slows me down
So fall down
I need you to trust me
Go easy, don't rush me
Help me out, why don't you help me out?
Wake you up
In the middle of the night to say
I will never walk away again
I'm never gonna leave this bed, oh
So you say "Go, it isn't working"
And I say "No, it isn't perfect
So I'll stay instead"
I'm never gonna leave this bed
Take it, take it all
Take all that I have
I'd give it all away just to get you back
And fake it, fake it
I'll take what I can get
Knocking so loud
Can you hear me yet
Try to stay away but you can't forget
Wake you up
In the middle of the night to say
I will never walk away again
I'm never gonna leave this bed, oh
So you say "Go, it isn't working"
And I say "No, it isn't perfect
So I'll stay instead"
I'm never gonna leave this bed, ooh
How could you be more insulting, CBS? Cancelling Medium, the best drama on television, in the middle of the season?!? Insulting and absurd.
Here's the story. First, all you need to know is I LOVE Medium and believe it is the best drama on television. Medium ran for 5 seasons on NBC (2005-2009) and did quite well. Interestingly enough, Medium is actually a CBS show that NBC "purchased" the rights to air for those 5 years. While on NBC, the show had a couple of schedule changes, but usually aired on Monday nights at 9pm here in the Mountain Time (MT) Zone, 10pm most other places. My point, it was NBC's headline show on Mondays. Patricia Arquette and crew grew a moderately sized, but very steady fan base that followed them throughout those first 5 years.
During Medium's fifth season, we learned NBC was not going to renew their "subscription" with CBS to continue airing the show. This was disappointing, but not shocking. Immediately after this report, rumors began that CBS would pick it up for the next season. Good thing, too, because season 5 ended with a HUGE cliff hanger. Luckily, season 6 began in fall 2009 on CBS airing Friday nights at 8pm MT (9pm elsewhere).
It is well known that Friday night is not the best night for primetime television (see Friday night death slot) because a lot of people go out...myself included. Thank goodness for online tv! (If only CBS would get with it and join with Hulu...) That said, Medium was the "hook" show for CBS's hit Ghost Whisperer starring Jennifer Love Hewitt airing the following hour. This was quite the Friday night supernatural crime-fighting duo. Unfortunately, due to Medium's network, day, and time switches, ratings slipped...but not horribly.
Let me just say, season 6 was amazing. It included what I now say is my favorite episode of Medium. The key: amazing writing.
I can't even tell you how relieved I was to hear we'd get at least one more season out of Medium. Phew! The part that bothered me, though, was the cancellation of Ghost Whisperer. Don't misinterpret what I'm saying...I am not / was never a fan of that show. But I knew it gave life to Medium...
The next change Medium experienced was in the Friday night lineup. It's previous time at 8pm MT (9pm elsewhere) was bad enough, but CBS moved Medium to 7pm MT (8pm elsewhere)! Quite possibly the worst timeslot available for a television show. This change in conjunction with CBS's other cancellations made me realize this 7th season would most likely be Medium's last, so enjoy it.
November 18, 2010: CBS Cancels Medium. It's last episode will air on January 21, 2011.
WTF?
Yes, I had a very good feeling this would be Medium's last season...but I would have never predicted CBS would pull the rug out from under the show mid-season. I can't think of anything more insulting to a television show crew.
I can't sleep either, Allison.
CBS, you blew it. This is your own fault. It makes me wonder why you "saved" the show in the first place. It is absurd that the mother network of Medium would place it in most abysmal timeslots and expect ratings to be as high as the NBC glory days. Way to run the show out of town. I hope you're happy with yourselves. You were very successful in cancelling the best show on television.
Now you've given me one more reason to watch CBS even less than I already do. You will only get my attention on Sunday nights (oddly at 7pm) to watch The Amazing Race. You'll probably cancel that soon too since it's a 7-time Emmy Award winner for best reality TV show.
The Amazing Race ends December 12, Medium leaves January 21... CBS, please consider me a lost viewer once Medium officially ends.
Here, Missy performs one of my very favorite songs of hers called "Any Day Now" at the Aquashell in Darling Harbour, Sydney, Australia. Lyrics provided below.
"Any Day Now" - Missy Higgins
How long, how long, how long will we take to come undone?
If you know the answer tell me now and I'll write up a calendar for our count down.
'Cos what if what we see is all, is all we've got?
Say you've kept some fire aside to set light to me some surprising night.
And say you've locked some fire away to set light to me some surprising day.
Any day now...
How come, how come, how come I'm now on a road holding out my thumb?
If you know my destination please buy me the fastest car and throw me the keys.
'Cos what if what we see is all, is all we've got?
Say you've kept some fire aside to set light to me some surprising night.
And say you've locked some fire away to set light to me some surprising day.
'Cos finger by finger we're losing grasp and
I'm questioning the reasons why nothing beautiful does last...
Say you've kept some fire aside to set light to me some surprising night.
And say you've locked some fire away to set light to me some surprising day,
To me some surprising day... Any day now...
Meditatively Obtained, Novel, and Observational (MONO) Lessons
246.March 1st’s abruptness can actually continue to surprise me, and more so each year.
247.While in the shower, I realized I haven't honestly had the drive to find a companion or a mate since last July (2009). And the drive continues to be absent. (Typed in late February / early March 2010.)
248.“Time just sifts through its sift.” (from “Buildings” by Regina Spektor)
249.Swallowing pride isn’t all that bad. And it’s gluten-free!!!
250.Communication is KEY…from every individual involved.
251.Timing is everything…still.
252.Reaching new levels of friendship are the best!
253.Rapture is found in challenging yourself.
254.Once you floss for a while, on a regular basis, that is, your gums eventually stop bleeding!
255.I can’t read your damn mind.
256.A lot of people just don’t understand depression and it’s not worth my time trying to get them to understand.
257.I love my friends to death…but they can sure do some things that really grind my gears.
258.Lack of communication pisses me off.
259.I never thought I could/would talk about poop so freely and easily.
260.Addendum to lesson #205: Yes, nothing beats IMAX 3D, but nothing is more trippy than IMAX 3D on the front row. Those numbers at the beginning…they literally hit you in the face.
261.“I have been running, so sweaty my whole life / Urgent for a finish line. / And I have been missing the rapture this whole time of being forever incomplete.” (from “Incomplete” by Alanis Morissette) Alanis taught me this a while ago, but I thought it was worth adding to my list.
262.I can live without nasal spray finally. A day for the history books: Saturday, March 13, 2010 at 11:35PM I threw away my last bottle of nasal spray. Since I hadn’t used it in a week, it seemed like an appropriate opportunity to get it out of my life.
263.All goat-derived products are absolutely repulsive.
264.Rubio’s is just plain amazing.
265.Giving an honest and positive opinion is really worthwhile.
266.I have absolutely no control over my intense attraction to certain people.
267.The only reason Saturday morning online class tests aren’t all that bad is the fact that I get to watch an episode of Mighty Morphin’ Power Rangers before driving up to the U.
268.Group work…ugh…it’s obnoxious, really. Always has been, always will be.
269.When I get extremely angry about my food situation, I go on a gluten-free shopping spree and throw out intolerable food at home.
270.TMI, but I’ve never pooped this regularly before. A good and healthy diet sure helps a lot.
I knew it was going to take something BIG to get me blogging again. If you hadn't noticed, I've been MIA for a while now...since August 18th, to be exact. I've been away for a number of reasons, but it all amounts to this: I have so much to say, so much going on inside my head, and so little time, that I quit writing altogether. But I can't stay silent any longer. A talk given by Elder Boyd K. Packer this last weekend put me over the edge. Unfortunately, this is the BIG thing bringing me back to blogging life.
The month of September brought us 4 nationally publicized suicides (6+, if you look a little deeper) of LGBT individuals. It also brought us the blocking of a bill that would allow for the repeal of the military's "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" (DADT) policy.
If you are interested, here is a wonderful description of the recent DADT events in the US Senate. Thank you for laying it out for us, Ms. Maddow:
"Things will get easier, people's minds will change, and you should be alive to see it."
This brings us to conference weekend. Here is the talk in any format you could imagine:
Audio Video Text (Disclaimer: The TEXT version has been edited by the LDS Church to read differently than the words spoken in the audio and video versions. I guess it's kind of a step in the right direction...kind of...? Not really... Details HERE.)
Now that we're all on the same page, here are my comments. I avoided Facebook commenting too much because this is how I choose to display my opinion regarding this talk. It's all here. If I change my mind or have more to say, I'll write more in the coming days, weeks, and months.
It seemed like this talk was going to be about pornography, but it takes some very strange turns... I have 4 quotes to scrutinize which I have transcribed from the Audio/Video versions - the original words heard by the world and not necessarily relayed in the edited text version.
1.
"We must understand that any persuasion to enter into any relationship that is not in harmony with the principles of the gospel must be wrong."
A monogamous same-sex relationship in no way deviates from the principles of the gospel. However, it is interpreted that since both members of the duo are of the same sex, this relationship is "unnatural." "Unnatural" is a synonym for "wrong" in the LDS Church. I believe life is too complicated to be described by plug outlets and pipe joints. Of course a male joint won't attach to another male joint. But you know what? I'm not a plug. I'm a human being. I believe my biology, psychology, physiology, and spirituality are a bit more intricate than a plug's. My point is, it's not black and white. No matter how many times I say that, the people who think it is black and white are too insane (I mean that quite literally) to even consider other thinking. You only become sane when you realize your own and the world's insanity - and change.
Who are you to define what is "natural" and what is not? Lack of understanding about something doesn't make it "unnatural." Take gravity, for instance. I'm in physics and I know physicists know NOTHING about gravity. It's the weirdest force. It hasn't yet been "combined" with all of the other forces. That's the purpose of the various grand unified theories out there (like String Theory). Being the physics nerd I am, then, I have to pick at Elder Packer's quote about voting to change the law of gravity.
2.
"...if we are not alert, there are those today who not only tolerate, but advocate voting to change laws that would legalize immorality, as if a vote would somehow alter the designs of God's laws and nature. A law against nature would be impossible to enforce, for instance, what good would a vote against the law of gravity do? There are both moral and physical laws irrevocably decreed in heaven before the foundation of the world that cannot be changed. History demonstrates over and over again that moral standards cannot be changed by battle and cannot be changed by ballot."
He does not give any examples of his last statement. He then goes on to say that various societies are trying to legalize what is "basically wrong or evil."
The thing is, our understanding of gravity is changing, and it's changing radically every day. In the meantime, it keeps working the way it always has and always will. To fit it correctly into a grand unified theory, we have to CHANGE OUR THINKING about how gravity works. We've had to nearly start over with gravity! We are choosing, even voting, to change our thinking! We aren't changing the law of gravity, we're changing how we think about the law of gravity.
The same thing is happening with LGBT+ issues. Gays, lesbians, etc., etc., have been around forever and always will be. But we're social outcasts. We don't fit into the grand unified theory the heterosexuals have set forth. Hence, thinking has to change. It is changing. Thinking about sexuality, sexual orientation, gender, gender identification, psychology, physiology, spirituality...everything! It's all changing.
The paradigm is shifting.
And again, here we have the Church telling its members how to vote. I do not need to expound on this here since I have before. Click HERE for more information and my personal opinion on the matter.
3.
"Some suppose that they were pre-set and cannot overcome what they feel are inborn tendencies toward the impure and unnatural. Not so! Why would our Heavenly Father do that to anyone? Remember, he is our father."
I've said it a million times. I was born gay. I also believe I was gay in the pre-existence and will be gay in the afterlife. Elder Packer uses the question "Why would our Heavenly Father do that to anyone?" in exact opposition to its true intention.
Why would our Heavenly Father create someone with inborn tendencies toward the impure and unnatural? He wouldn't. I truly believe that. To me, this then implies "homosexuality" isn't impure and unnatural. I was born with that trait, therefore it is pure and natural. It's that simple. You have no authority to tell me otherwise.
Here, Elder Packer is also implying sexual orientation is changeable. With all due respect, Elder Packer, if you willfully change your sexual orientation, then maybe I'll take a second look at the decades of science proving you utterly wrong.
4.
"Agency is precious." Why does this church place so much verbal value on agency, yet never advise its members to use their agency. Agency is more than choosing the "right choice" or the "wrong choice." It's the act of getting down on your knees and conversing with your God. Talk to Him and discover what the best option is for you at that time. It's so disappointing that these words will now go into the minds of most Mormons as doctrine, as direct inspiration and word from God. These apostles and prophets are human too, you know. They have their opinions just as we do. It is each individual member's responsibility to pray about the words they hear at conference for confirmation or cancellation of their divine nature. It is my opinion that the words in this talk are those of an angry, out-of-touch old man, bitter about his Proposition 8 being overturned by the court system. These words are not divine.
If someone reading this does choose to get down on their knees and truly ask for guidance regarding these complex LGBT+ issues, try to clear your mind and go into it seeking the best answer - not the answer you expect or are looking for. Two years ago just before election time '08 when I "outed" myself via Facebook, I had a former friend of mine converse with me about my sexuality through Facebook messages. Needless to say, this person was convinced I was in the wrong and I gently encouraged them to pray about the subject. Three days later I received a message from them telling me they received their answer and I was indeed living in sin. Three days. Three. Days. It took me 10 years to get my answer. What an ignorant and disrespectful slap in the face. I believe my point has been made.
That's a list of words describing ME used by an apostle of what I usually call "my Church." I'm again questioning why I call it that.
Why do I keep standing up for you, Church? When a non-member says something like, "Why do they listen to these old men anyway?", why do I try to explain why? It's a culture. How on earth do you explain an entire culture to somebody from a different culture? I am weary, Church. I can't...I WON'T...stand up for you any more. If the teachings coming out of you are true and good, they don't need an explanation - they don't need to be defended! I'm not doing it any more! I don't even know why I've been doing it or who I've been doing it for over the past few years. I'm beginning to realize I haven't been doing it for me... So I quit.Claiming membership with you means I have to live with a perpetual knife sticking out of my back. Talks like this give it a nice twist. How do I pull out the knife without bleeding to death?
I have thick skin and individuals can say whatever they want to or at me. But that's not the point. It's the fact that an entire culture is this way...a culture of which I used to be a part. It's heartbreaking.
Ideas and quotes from others that I would like to address:
1. It's freedom of speech. Obviously this is true. The greatest blessing and consequence of having the right to free speech is that others have the right to freely scrutinize and challenge your speech with theirs. The thing is, in the LDS Church, this speech is now considered doctrine from God. Try arguing the word of God with a devout Mormon. It's a hopeless cause. You swirl around in mindless double-speak and babble until you quit. There are far too many Mormons who do not apply their agency and access to personal revelation to the words of the apostles and prophets. They take it for doctrine and that's that. End of story. It's impossible to converse with someone who's key debate point is "the word of God." Everybody is entitled to their opinion, but nobody is entitled to be a bigot.
2. He is a good man with good intentions. That very well may be, but good intention does not imply good message.
3. "Love the sinner, not the sin." This classic cliche is bullshit. Anyone who has been a "victim" of someone acting like this knows it. You can see it in their eyes...they think your are as worthless as the "sin." People who treat others this way just ooze a holier-than-thou attitude, but they don't know it. If you're going to tell me you love me despite the fact that I'm a sinner, I don't want your love. "But we're all sinners!" What a happy-go-lucky way to think of life.
4. I tolerate gays. Mormons tolerate gays. If I remember correctly, Christ didn't teach "Tolerate thy neighbor" or "Tolerate one another." Tolerate is NOT a synonym for love. When Mormons say they tolerate us, they mean reluctantly accept the immoral decisions we have made that are sending us to hell. What a painful message to convey to all of the gay, lesbian, bi, trans...different children, teens, and adults in your sacrament meeting, primary class, Sunday school class, young men's class, and young women's class. With so much silent hatred bombarding us from our Churches, our families, our "friends," our schools, our communities...it's no wonder a number of individuals begin to believe they are worthy of the hatred and end their own life.
5. "Homosexuality." This word has nearly no meaning any more - especially when an uninformed or ignorant person uses it. Diversify your vocabulary. You can start by asking "homosexuals" how they choose to label their sexuality. Trust me, that question is not offensive if asked sincerely.
7. What was said at conference was nothing new. How true this is! In fact, it was a throwback to 1972! The timing of this repeated message makes the message more vile than it already is. Just as the LGBT+ community thought it was making some ground due to the Church's recently silent stance on "homosexuality"...just as Prop 8 is beginning the overturning process... Then just as Congress blocks a clause allowing the military to repeal DADT...just as we hear of the 6+ suicides in the month of September alone. The timing and tone of Packer's message is repulsive.
8. A protest won't help anything. The opinions about protests and rallies that I have read are fascinating to me. Reading them sent me all over the map with my own opinion. In the end, I decided a rally is what I make of it. I'm not protesting the Church's right to free speech. I'm protesting the timing of it and the hatred and misinformation conveyed in it. I don't want more LGBT+ individuals to take their lives over these issues. I want to be part of a community outreach. Let's use this as another way to bring awareness and stimulate conversation. I am not following a flock and I don't appreciate being told whether I should join a rally or not. I'm not a mindless drone. I can make decisions for myself. I thought very deeply about the role I wanted to play in this rally.
With 4,500+ showing up, I believe it helped something.
Final thoughts:
The divisiveness I have seen among the LGBT+ community over this has been utterly eye-opening. And not in the happy way. I am learning there are separate and distinct factions of gay activists in this valley. I guess that's how it always goes with a minority. One group wants things done this way, another group wants it done another way. Be careful... Can't we just use this as a time to unite?
I am exhausted. I am tired. I am weary. I am brokenhearted. I am disappointed. I am aching, trembling, crying. I am overwhelmed. I am sad, mad, and angry. How many suicides is it going to take?
When I was a Peter Priesthood years ago, I used to be offended when non-members would say Mormons were not Christian. "But we believe in Christ!" "Of course you do, but you aren't Christlike." It makes sense to me now. Being Christian is more than believing in Christ - it's also being Christlike. Unfortunately, far too many Mormons are NOT exhibiting Christlike behavior.
To my friends and family:
Without your love and support, I shudder to think where my life would be today - if I would even still be here. Your love, support, and empathy take the edge off of the overwhelming emotions continually stirred by this culture. My heart breaks for those friends of mine without the same support I have, especially from my family. I wish I could somehow offer a solace to those without this system of support.
So to those of you reading this, I ask this. Please be that loving, understanding, empathetic support that so many of us LGBTs need so desperately. Take the time to understand the complexities surrounding all of the issues LGBT individuals face every day. Go into it without preconception. You'll be enlightened.
Thank you for reading. I am now going on a much-needed weekend getaway. The week's ignorance has exhausted me.
and was recorded as part of a Sessions gig Alanis did in Vancouver
version which you will see has much more of a rock feel to it than the more tame, yet (in my opinion) more powerful acoustic rendition. As always, lyrics provided below.
is simply unbelievable and moves me in a way no movie ever has.
by 
episode of Medium was brilliant! I instantly fell in love with this song before it was even released! Let it be known that I was WAY ahead of the rest of the world with this song. By the time it hit the Top 10 list on iTunes, it was old news to me (and my friends, thanks to me). I mean like 6 month old news... Way to be behind, world. You should have watched Medium. And now it's being 
by Maroon 5.
, and featured on Medium. Lyrics below.
. They are both exquisite.
:
Best part? There's also an 
version...with a cello. Holy crap, right? Here is the original
on NBC (2005-2009) and did quite well. Interestingly enough, Medium is actually a CBS show that NBC "purchased" the rights to air for those 5 years. While on NBC, the show had a couple of schedule changes, but usually aired on 
