Mon Corps

I recently had a bout with food poisoning.  While sitting on or worshiping the toilet, I was amazed at the urgency of my body's evacuation method.  I had no conscious say as to whether this "everything must go" event was truly necessary.  My body just decided it must be so.  So I had no other choice but to trust my body and go along with this horrendous expulsion technique.

To get my mind off of the misery, I attempted to remove my consciousness from the situation as much as I could.  I didn't make it very far, but I did have a light-bulb moment I hadn't experienced in this way before.  I realized there is something "inside" me that knows this body of mine is only a temporary mechanism it must inhabit to be here.  Here on this planet.  This part of me made me literally laugh at how silly and absurd my situation was and reassured me that what was happening to my body was only temporary would allow me to be on this planet for longer.  Well, for at least as long as I'm supposed to be here.

Our bodies are unfathomably intricate.  It's a miracle anyone is even alive.  It's a miracle anyone has babies.  It's a miracle we're all not (more) physically and mentally deformed considering how horribly wrong everything could go while we grow.

Almost all of our bodily functions happen without our say.  It's absolutely astounding.  Just like I didn't have a say as to whether I wanted to be vomiting and have diarrhea all night, I also had no say when I started losing my baby teeth...when I started puberty...when my voice changed...  I don't think about beating my heart, breathing, digesting...even walking sometimes seems so natural that I dare say I don't think about it.

All of these things that are so trivial from an eternal perspective, our bodies just do for us so we can live out our meaningful life here on Earth.  Not having to think about running our vital organs lets us think about the things that are truly important...and the things that drive us insane.  Sometimes it would be nice to escape because "I'm too busy digesting my breakfast, beating my heart, breathing, growing my nails and hair, and splitting millions of other cells to replace the ones that died..."  But that'd get old; really fast.  And nothing else would ever be accomplished!  We'd all just lie down at home breathing, beating our heart, and digesting....  I get annoyed enough that I have to eat, "use" the bathroom, and sleep...but I'd rather consciously do those than anything even more rudimentary.

Now that I am running out of rambles to try to explain my little light-bulb moment, here is my point.  I believe I will exist in some conscious form after my body has become too worn to continue automatically keeping itself alive.  I believe I also existed in some form before I inhabited this extremely imperfect, yet miraculous, body.  I believe this so strongly, in fact, that this belief's depth and origin seem unexplainable...  Some people call it their spirit, some call it their soul...I'm not sure what I want to call it.  But I know there is a part of me that will outlast this physical existence.  It will be a bittersweet moment to let go of this seemingly shoddy exterior shell...  Right now, it's all I know and all I have.  But until then, ceci est mon corps et je le protéger.
 

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MONO Lessons (Part XV: 300 - 320)

Meditatively Obtained, Novel, and Observational (MONO) Lessons

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300. Some places are just not worth spending the time, energy, and money to eat (particularly gluten-free) at.  I apologize for ending that sentence with a preposition.

301. It’s hard enough for me without the perpetual snide comments.

302. Mood changes can be sudden and unannounced with an obviously noticeable shift as well as sudden and announced with no detectable actual change.

303. Flash drives can never be solely trusted.

304. I feel extremely gratified when my re-petition is approved and I got everything I wanted in the first place.

305. Pride will forever be a gluten-free food that I will be swallowing regularly.

306. I can even survive 8+ vials of blood being taken from my arm!

307. It’s really weird knowing more than your own doctor…you know…the one who knows everything.

308. Back on May 3, 2010, I realized I was in limerence with her.  That’s what happened!  You can be in limerence with the “wrong” gender.  Now I finally have a name for it!

309. These foods, oddly, have gluten in them:

a. Soy Sauce

b. Teriyaki Sauce

c. Blue Cheese

d. Marinades and Seasonings

e. Couscous – it’s actually a pasta

f. Malt (malt anything comes from barley)

g. Caramel Flavor

h. Caramel Color (but usually not any more)

i. Roasted/Glazed/Candied Nuts

j. Vitamins

k. Gravy

l. Oats…kind of…but not really.  They are all too often contaminated with gluten, but don’t possess any of their own gluten.  This is always a wonderful conversation starter.  (See Lesson 274)

m. Tofu.  Wha?!  I know, right?  Stupid wheat fillers.  (As a side note, Kofu is 99.999% pure gluten.  Note to self: Definitely avoid Kofu.)

n. Licorice

o. Imitation seafood, like imitation crab

310. These foods are shockingly gluten-free

a. Buckwheat

b. Glutinous rice

c. Corn gluten

d. Wheat grass

e. Fruity Pebbles – For some odd reason I assumed they were gluteny…

f. Rumbi’s chicken.  I swear to you, everyone else’s chicken is marinated in gluten!

311. My potassium STILL isn’t as high as I was hoping.  What the crap?!?  No wonder my heart still has episodes.

312. It’s nice to be on the same page this time around.  Thanks for giving me a break this time around, universe.

313. “Don’t look for Mr. Right, be Mr. Right and the rest will fall into place.” – MB

314. As usual, summer brings people out of the woodwork.

315. Scalp Oil + Shower Cap + Big Gun Acne Spot Treatment + Extra Lotion Around Lips = Jason Looks Like a Freaking Monster at Bedtime

316. I now have empathy for people with scalp issues ranging from mild dandruff to full-fledged scalp psoriasis.

317. Writing and mailing letters to people is really rather fun.

318. Sometimes I go WAY too long without writing mono lessons.  They then get backed up (constipated, if you will) in my brain and then finally spill out all over the place.

319. A lot can change in a year.  Namely feelings.  Stupid fickle feelings.

320. Oddly, confusion is sometimes rather peaceful.  Wha?

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MONO Lessons (Part XIV: 271- 299)

Meditatively Obtained, Novel, and Observational (MONO) Lessons

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271. I think someone has ADD…

272. Almond Breeze is my favorite milk replacement.  Mmmm

273. They make butters other than peanut butter.

274. Oats are a major topic of conversation.  Especially among Celiacs.

275. Immune systems are actually supposed to stop a cold from taking over your body.  Mine did that for the first time in years!  Hooray!

276. The Stanford Prison Experiment.  Ryan and I rocked this thing.

277. Gluten antibodies attack and chop down the villi in my small intestines.  Lactase, the enzyme that breaks down lactose, is created in the tip of the villi.  Hence, I will seem “lactose intolerant” until my villi grow back.

278. “Wheat-free” does NOT infer “gluten-free.”

279. Blogging is like a disease.  A rather contagious disease.

280. I’m a gatekeeper.

281. I live my life as an oxymoron.  I love oxymorons and paradoxes.

282. Mayonnaise is evil.  Of the devil, if you will.

283. I am eternally grateful for my past.  Without it, I wouldn’t be where I am now.

284. I am infinitely relieved to have made it through the reconciliation brawl physically alive, psychologically intact, mentally resilient, and spiritually affirmed.

285. “He’s not cute enough to be gay!” – SH.  I then burst out laughing.

286. Late at night, even regular humans can suddenly become cute, cuddly zombies.

287. I attached to UTemps like it was a person…

288. These tremendously complex bodies are bound to have a few minor errors.

289. Slumdog Millionaire is simply unbelievable and moves me in a way no movie ever has.

290. Really.  It’s not me!  It’s everybody else…. Trust me.

291. It’s not fair.  And that will continue to resonate in my mind.  It’s simply not fair.

292. Outback is a GF Mecca.  P.F. Chang's can be Mecca #2.

293. I think about them every single day…

294. “When in doubt, leave it out.” – Danna Korn from Living Gluten-Free for Dummies

295. Gluten could be the answer behind everything.

296. Some servers can really surprise me with their gluten-free skill and memory.  Really, though, he should have written it all down…I’m complicated.

297. I will meet my soul mate at Whole Foods.  I’m convinced.  See “Aaron the Whole Foods Boy."

298. Windows 7 doesn’t like power outages.

299. That said, F6 is the secret, magical, earth-saving button.

Jason

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MONO Lessons (Part XIII: 246-270)

Meditatively Obtained, Novel, and Observational (MONO) Lessons

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246. March 1st’s abruptness can actually continue to surprise me, and more so each year.

247. While in the shower, I realized I haven't honestly had the drive to find a companion or a mate since last July (2009).  And the drive continues to be absent.  (Typed in late February / early March 2010.)

248. “Time just sifts through its sift.”  (from “Buildings” by Regina Spektor)

249. Swallowing pride isn’t all that bad.  And it’s gluten-free!!!

250. Communication is KEY…from every individual involved.

251. Timing is everything…still.

252. Reaching new levels of friendship are the best!

253. Rapture is found in challenging yourself.

254. Once you floss for a while, on a regular basis, that is, your gums eventually stop bleeding!

255. I can’t read your damn mind.

256. A lot of people just don’t understand depression and it’s not worth my time trying to get them to understand.

257. I love my friends to death…but they can sure do some things that really grind my gears.

258. Lack of communication pisses me off.

259. I never thought I could/would talk about poop so freely and easily.

260. Addendum to lesson #205:  Yes, nothing beats IMAX 3D, but nothing is more trippy than IMAX 3D on the front row.  Those numbers at the beginning…they literally hit you in the face.

261. “I have been running, so sweaty my whole life / Urgent for a finish line. / And I have been missing the rapture this whole time of being forever incomplete.” (from “Incomplete” by Alanis Morissette)  Alanis taught me this a while ago, but I thought it was worth adding to my list.

262. I can live without nasal spray finally.  A day for the history books:  Saturday, March 13, 2010 at 11:35PM I threw away my last bottle of nasal spray.  Since I hadn’t used it in a week, it seemed like an appropriate opportunity to get it out of my life.

263. All goat-derived products are absolutely repulsive.

264. Rubio’s is just plain amazing.

265. Giving an honest and positive opinion is really worthwhile.

266. I have absolutely no control over my intense attraction to certain people.

267. The only reason Saturday morning online class tests aren’t all that bad is the fact that I get to watch an episode of Mighty Morphin’ Power Rangers before driving up to the U.

268. Group work…ugh…it’s obnoxious, really.  Always has been, always will be.

269. When I get extremely angry about my food situation, I go on a gluten-free shopping spree and throw out intolerable food at home.

270. TMI, but I’ve never pooped this regularly before.  A good and healthy diet sure helps a lot.

Jason

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MONO Lessons (Part XII: 229-245)

Meditatively Obtained, Novel, and Observational (MONO) Lessons 

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229.  I am allergic/intolerant/sensitive to:

a. Bean, Green (+1)

b. Bean, Kidney (+2) 

c. Bean, Navy (+1)  

d. Bean, Pinto (+1) 

e. Bean, Yellow Wax (+1) 

f. Beans, apparently…however, not Lima, unfortunately 

g. Cheese (+2) 

h. Egg  (+2)

i. Egg-white (+2) 

ii. Egg-yolk (+2)

i. Milk, Cow’s (+1)

i. Casein (+3) 

ii. Whey – LF (+1) 

iii. In other words, everything dairy.

j. Pineapple (+1) 

k. Pumpkin (+1)  

l. Rye (+1)

m. Tomato (+1) 

n. Wheat (+3)

i. Gluten (52 units)

o. Yeast, Baker’s (+1) 

p. Yeast, Brewer’s (+2)  

q. Zucchini (+1)

230.  The Mexican food I thought was saving my life because it’s the only thing I could get down…yeah…slowly killing me: Pinto Beans, Cheese, Sour Cream, Tortilla, Tomato Salsa…  My mono nausea cure only made me sicker.

231.  A simple, sincere “I’m sorry” can go a LONG way…

232.  Restaurants have gluten-free menus!

233.  Gluten is in everything.

234.  A “positive” gluten sensitivity test is like a positive pregnancy test – you can’t be kind of pregnant and you can’t be kind of sensitive.  You are.

235.  I’m bitter about gluten.

236.  Lesson #228 is no longer valid.  I actually think I would feel worse having a Grand Slam than if I got drunk…ha.

237.  I really don’t have very good gaydar.  I need to accept this fact of life.

238.  I still get shocked every time someone comes out to me.  Haha.

239.  MLIA is hilarious.  TFLN is rather hilarious, but the sex and drugs can get old rather quickly.  FML is just depressing.

240.  “Appetite is the best seasoning.” – Jessica Johnston

241.  “The moral of the story is:  Don’t drink, or your clone will be murdered.” – Jessica Johnston

242.  “Life takes a lifetime.”  (from “Naturally” by Lisa Donnelly)

243.  We don’t do physics.  Physics does us.

244.  IgG anti-gliadin antibodies have a half-life of 120 days.

245.  With an IgG score of 52 units, after 4 months of gluten-freeness, I will be near 26 units; 8 months I will be near 13 units; and 12 months, I will be near 7 units (below 10 is normal, 3 is average).  Hence, 1 year of recovery ahead.  It could be worse.

Jason

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Gluten-Free, Dairy-Free, & Egg-Free Oatmeal Raisin Cookies

On the morning of Sunday, July 11th, my friend sends me a text saying, "I feel like having a cookie."  At that moment, I had the most immense yearning for a cookie that I've ever had.  For those of you who don't know me too well, I'm really just not a sweets fan.  Yes, they're very tasty, but I am content without them.  What I'm saying is, it is odd to have a craving like this consume me so suddenly.

So the hunt began.  After looking through about a dozen cookbooks and searching the internet, I settled on a gluten-free, dairy-free, egg-free oatmeal raisin cookie recipe from Sophie-Safe Cooking by Emily Hendrix.

Here's the recipe:

1/2 cup (1 stick)   margarine or shortening (I used Earth Balance buttery spread)

1 cup                    brown sugar

1/2 cup                white sugar

1 tsp.                   vanilla

1/3 cup                rice milk (I used Almond Breeze)

2 1/2 cups            GF oat flour

1 tsp.                   cinnamon

1/2 tsp.                baking soda

1/4 tsp.                salt

2 cups                  GF old-fashioned rolled oats

1 cup                    raisins

With a mixer, mix the Earth Balance and sugars.  Add vanilla and Almond Breeze and mix again.  Add GF oat flour, cinnamon, baking soda, and salt and mix well.

Finally, stir in the GF old-fashioned oats and raisins.  Drop the dough on cookie sheets.

The author suggests making rounded tablespoon-sized cookies and baking at 350°F for 12 minutes making about 4 dozen cookies.  That's nice, but I made my cookies about 3x larger and baked them for about 18 minutes making 18 large cookies instead of 48 itty bitty ones.

Now some notes:

1. Make sure you purchase gluten-free oats!  Bob's Red Mill makes some amazing gluten-free oats that I highly recommend.
2. Unfortunately, Bob doesn't make gluten-free oat flour.  He does make gluteny oat flour, so don't purchase that by mistake.  Instead, make your own gluten-free oat flour with your gluten-free oats in a blender or an Ultimate Chopper.
3. Earth Balance is a gluten-free, dairy-free (and egg-free) buttery spread.

Here is my experience.  First, I don't cook.  That said, I definitely don't bake.  So if I can do this, so can you.

The packaged ingredients.  Yes, I had to actually buy sugars because we got rid of all of our sugar.

Next, in our Ultimate Chopper:

Gluten-Free Oats turn into Gluten-Free Oat Flour!

Oatmeal raisin cookies made with oat flour.  Doesn't that just make sense?

The measured ingredients.  Yes, those are shot glasses...from IKEA!

Now the weirdest thing happened.  About 1 minute after adding the dry ingredients to the mix, I started crying.  It just suddenly happened.  They were tears of pure joy!  I've missed oatmeal raisin cookies so much and now I get to have them again!

Here is the dough after adding the whole oats and raisins:

Yum!

 On the cookie sheet. 

Cookie sheet close-up.

All baked!

The finished product!
 

They taste just like "normal" cookies!  I'm so happy.  For you Despicable Me fans out there, they're so yummy I'm gonna die!!!

Jason 

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MONO Lessons (Part XI: 209-228)

Meditatively Obtained, Novel, and Observational (MONO) Lessons

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209. It’s January 27, 2010, and to be honest, I don’t really think I have mono any more.  However, things aren’t back to normal.  My appetite is odd, my sleep cycle is odd…I just feel odd.  I think I have food allergies that are prolonging everything.

210. Whether I still have mono or not, I keep learning things, so I think I should continue my mono lessons list – both for personal reasons and for the sake of blog entertainment.  In case I don’t actually have mononucleosis (symptoms) any more, MONO Lessons will stand for Meditatively Obtained, Novel, and Observational Lessons.  That’s what these silly lessons really are, anyway. ☺

211. I’m grateful I took Foundations of Analysis…?!?  What?!?

212. Valentine’s Day comes to mind much sooner when it appears you’ll actually have a valentine.

213. 55” of TV is a LOT of TV.

214. There are few things that will keep me up until 4am.  Tennis is one of them.

215. I get extremely offended when my petition is denied.

216. Attraction is SO complicated!  And it dictates our thoughts and feelings about absolutely everyone!

217. I actually can get my blood drawn with out totally freaking out.

218. Just being in the University Hospital makes me extremely happy.

219. Hospital cafeteria food is better than Union food.  And cheaper.  And more healthy.

220. The Green shuttle doesn’t stop at the Union, only Red and Blue do.

221. Atenolol makes being nervous so much more bearable.

222. School is “easier” when unemployed.

223. Alec Woodbury and Allie Wall have the same initials!!!

224. Leaping zombies are the best.

225. There are certain people with whom I should not be alone for an extended period of time.  Specifically while school is going.

226. We’re literally writing the next page of our life novel right now; “the rest is still unwritten.”

227. Slaps in the face are rather enlightening for both parties – the slappee and the slapper.

228. I would SO much rather get a free Grand Slam at Denny’s on my 21st birthday than get drunk.

Jason

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Aaron the Whole Foods Boy

"Aaron the Whole Foods Boy" by Jason Hoggan

(Inspired by Kristin Chenoweth's "Taylor the Latte Boy")

There's a boy I'll meet at Whole Foods

Who is very diet contentious

He is very diet contentious because of many things.

I come in at 7:30 (PM, of course) and head straight for the bulk whole raw cashews.
We all love our bulk whole raw cashews
They make our taste buds grow wings!

So today at 7:30 (PM, of course)
I realized this is probably where I'll meet him
This is probably where I'll meet him
But near some obscure gluten-free food

So today at 7:30 (PM, of course), when I headed straight for the bulk whole raw cashews
I took a sharp turn to the right instead
And headed toward the blessèd nut thins

And I pondered, "Are these obscure enough?"
"Probably not.  They're pretty picked over and popular."
I bet his name will be Aaron,
Which provides the inspiration for this poem:

Aaron the Whole Foods boy
Bring me gluten-free, dairy-free, egg-free, bring me joy!
Oh Aaron the Whole Foods boy
I love him, I love him, I love him...

So I'd like to get my nerve up
And search a new GF aisle
He'll be on a new GF aisle
By an extremely obscure food
So today at 7:30, I went down another GF aisle
There I see a boy humming LeAnn Rimes with hot, sexy red hair!

As I quickly glide toward him, I chime in to his humming
It's "Something I Can Feel"! (Thank goodness not something cliché!)

So I gently tap his shoulder, and mouth the words to the song
And I knew his singing back meant that Aaron loved me too!
I said, "What's that in your hand there?  And by the way, I love your red hair..."
He said, "Gluten-free, dairy-free, egg-free cookies and this box right here is just for you!"

*sigh* 

Aaron the Whole Foods boy
Bring me gluten-free, dairy-free, egg-free, bring me joy!
Oh Aaron the Whole Foods boy
I love him, I love him, I love him...

I used to be the kind of guy
Who'd cringe when love stood in front of him.
But finally a blood test whispered, "Love can be yours
If you venture into Whole Foods for GF delights!"

Aaron the Whole Foods boy
Bring me gluten-free, dairy-free, egg-free, bring me joy!
Oh Aaron the Whole Foods boy
I love him, I love him, I love him...

So many months my heart has dreamèd,
Who'd have thought that love could be so gluten-free?

Aaron the Whole Foods boy

I love him, I love him, I love him...
I love him, I love him, I love him...

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"Taylor the Latte Boy" by Kristin Chenoweth (Lyrics provided below.)

There's a boy who works at Starbucks

Who is very inspirational.
He is very inspirational because of many things.

I come in at 8:11, and he smiles and says, "How are you?"
When he smiles and says, "How are you?"
I could swear my heart grows wings!

So today at 8:11
I decided I should meet him
I decided I should meet him
In a proper formal way.

So today at 8:11 when he smiled and said "How are you?"
I said "Fine, and my name's Kristin,"
And he softly answered, "Hey."

And I said "My name is Kristin, and thank you for the extra foam..."

And he said his name was Taylor, 

Which provides the inspiration for this poem:

Taylor the latte boy,

Bring me java, bring me joy!

Oh Taylor the latte boy,

I love him, I love him, I love him...
 
So I'd like to get my nerve up
To recite my poem musical.
He would like the fact it's musical
Because he plays guitar.
So today at 8:11, Taylor told me he was playing
In a band down in the village in the basement of a bar.

And he smoothly flipped the lever to prepare my double latte,
But for me he made it triple! (And he didn't think I knew)
But I saw him flip the lever, and for me he made it triple,
And I knew that triple latte meant that Taylor loved me too!
I said, "What time are you playing? And thank you for the extra skin..."
He said, "Keep the $3.55," because this triple latte was on him.

*sigh*

Taylor the latte boy,
Bring me java, bring me joy!
Oh Taylor the latte boy,
I love him, I love him, I love him...

I used to be the kind of girl
Who'd run when love rushed toward her.
But finally a voice whispered, "Love can be yours,
If you step up to the counter and order."

Taylor the latte boy,
Bring me java, bring me joy!
Oh Taylor the latte boy,
I love him, I love him, I love him...

So many years my heart has waited,
Who'd have thought that love could be so caffeinated?

Taylor, the latte boy,
I love him, I love him, I love him.
I love him, I love him, I love him. 

Special thanks to Maren Ritter for being the reason I love this song so!

Jason 

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