10 Down, 1 To Go - Thank You!

I'm graduating from college in May.  On May 4, 2012, to be exact, but who's really keeping track? Then I'm leaving my job and running away to Europe for a month.  Sounds amazing and you're extremely jealous of me, right???

Anyway...

First, I want to take a moment to reflect on the past 5 years of my college life and publicly acknowledge some family, friends, and coworkers who have continually supported me and helped me survive.

Mom and Dad:  What troopers.  From my giddy freshman excitement, to my mono year and kidney stone, to the impending senioritis, thank you for always being there to hear me rant, rave, complain, scream, cry, bitch, and cry some more at all hours of the day or night.  Thank you for letting...no...encouraging me to be me.  Thank you for listening to me nerd out like I do.  Thank you for being interested in me, my school, my work, my coworkers, and my friends.

Stacie and Anita:  I couldn't have asked for more amazing coworkers.  I still feel so lucky and blessed that I had the opportunity to work with both of you.  Not many people get the chance to do what we did.  And at my young age, I am so thankful I was able to do it with you.  Thank you for being great coworkers, mentors, and most of all, my friends.  I love you both dearly!

Stacie, Me, and Anita:  The UTemps Team

Katie:  Thank you for putting up with my and Ryan's Canada jokes.  Thank you for choosing me (you know what I'm talking about...haha).  Thank you for helping to keep us in contact and organizing lunches and dinners.  Thank you for always being there to talk to and for never judging me.  You are one of the sweetest people I know and I absolutely love you!

Moi et Katie

Ryan:  Thank you for making nerdiness so sexy.  Thank you for your eye contact.  Thank you for being an amazing study buddy.  Thank you for all of the intellectual conversations about gender, sexuality, religion, and everything else both physics-y and non-physics-y.  I miss you!

Jessica:  You are absolutely the best lab partner anyone could ask for!  Thank you for always being on the same crazy wavelength as me, even though it's not actually you're choice and in reality you're just as crazy as me.  Thank you for taking Lisa's class with me - that was an amazing experience to share with you.  Thank you for being so freaking funny.  I love you!

Allie and Lindsey:  Thank you for putting up with mono me.  Thank you for the Denny's nights.  Thank you for the laughing attacks.  Thank you for Disneyland.  Thank you for the cabin, which was exactly like Disneyland, only completely different.  Thank you for being amazing friends!  Oh, and Lindsey...EUROPE!

DISNEYLAND!!!

Tate:  Thank you for returning to my life.  Thank you for always supporting me, encouraging me, and doing your absolute best to understand me.  Thank you for listening to me nerd out.  I love you so much and I can't wait to see where life takes us next!

Yes, we are usually acting or looking like dorks.

Diane:  Thank you for taking a "risk" and hiring a physics major.  Thank you for your infinite flexibility around my health and school.  I would never have guessed I'd work in a theatre...but I have absolutely loved it!

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Now that I got the sappy part out of the way, let's talk about what I've accomplished here and why I deserve this degree.  (It's tough to tell if I'm doing this to help ward off senioritis and keep me motivated or if I'm just trying to impress all of you.)  I'm a super nerd, so I've obviously kept track of every class I've taken over the past 5 years.  And here they are with my (sometimes witty) comments!!!

Freshman Year `07 -`08

Allie, me, and Barbara "Poochigian-ing It Up"

Classical Civilizations 1550: Classical Mythology
Poochigian.  Enough said.

Educational Psychology 2600: Strategies for College Success
Taking AP classes in high school made this class borderline useless...

Mathematics 2210: Calculus III
It's like calculus I and II, only in THREEEEEEEEE DEEEEEEEEE!

Writing 2010: Intermediate Writing
Katy Savage, how I love you.  You and I clicked when it came to humor.  Thank you for encouraging me to write!

Art 2060: Non-Major Digital Photography
I, mister science, got an A- in an art class.  Hell yes!  I'll take it.  Digital Photography:  Art for Scientists.  I also must give this class credit for introducing me to Richard Avedon and his portrait of Marilyn Monroe.  You may have heard I enjoy this photograph.

Mathematics 2270: Linear Algebra
Horrible class.  Horrible teacher.  Katie flirted for her grade.  Admit it.

Physics 1980: Undergraduate Seminar II
They made me take it...

Physics 2215: Physics Lab I for Scientists and Engineers
Per...rwrwrwwrrw...iod.  That means "period" in Asian.

Physics 3210: Physics for Scientists I
Ugh...I don't wanna talk about it.

Summer `08

Mathematics 2280: Introduction to Differential Equations
Gray is usually a bad choice...especially if you're overweight and it's the middle of summer in Utah...if you catch my drift.

Sophomore Year `08 -`09

Mathematics 3210: Foundations of Analysis I
Even though we only spent one day in the Naval Sciences building with no AC, I now know how Italian students feel when they're in class sweating like an Italian fountain and have an Italian man saying math at them.

Physics 1970: Undergraduate Seminar I
You guessed it, they made me take this too...

Physics 2225: Physics Lab II for Scientists and Engineers
Ming Dynasty.  At least I think it was Ming...

Physics 3220: Physics for Scientists II
I don't wanna talk about this either.

Political Science 1100: United States National Government
The only reason this class was somewhat interesting is because I took it in Fall 2008: aka, election season.

My county is blue...
I felt that needed to be brought to attention.

Mathematics 3220: Foundations of Analysis II
Every review I had read about my professor, Dr. Taylor, (also the author of our "book") was horribly negative.  I was terrified of him before I'd even met him.  Turns out he was one of the most fair professors I had my entire college career.

Physics 3740: Introduction to Quantum Mechanics and Relativity
Quite possibly the biggest asshole of a professor I had my entire college career.

Physics 3760: Thermodynamics and Statistical Mechanics
I HATE thermodynamics.  I also HATE statistical mechanics.  At least the professor was nice even though he was sometimes difficult to understand.

Psychology 1010: General Psychology
This was quite the psych overview...thank goodness Kelly was in it with me.

Junior Year `09 -`10

ESS Fitness 1145: Elementary Bowling
It's amazing how flinging a ball down an oily lane thereby making pins fly and make loud noises is a spectacular stress reliever...even when you're not very good.  Thanks for putting up with me, Alec.

DYAC (Click it to read it)

Gender Studies 5770: Gender and Sexual Orientation
Dr. Lisa Diamond changed my life.  I could never thank you enough for all "ah-ha!" moments, self discovery, and self acceptance you inspired in me.  YOU literally changed my life; I don't care how cliché I sound!

Mathematics 3150: Partial Differential Equations for Engineers
My professor was a godsend.  At the time, I felt like I was dying from mono, so I made a deal with him that I would no longer be doing the homework, but prove to him I knew the material through exams.  In short, I got the high on the final.  Thank you, Prof. Allison.

Physics 1330: Physics of Audio and Video
Yes, 1330.  I took this for the hell of it and I thoroughly enjoyed it, thank you.

Physics 3610: Electronics I
I now cringe when I see electronics schematics.  I should mention, I ACED the final in this class.

See?  Terrifying.

ESS Fitness 1145: Elementary Bowling
Yep, I took it twice.  Wanna make somethin' of it?!

I eventually got my own ball!

Mathematics 3160: Applied Complex Variables
Oddly enough, I think this may have been my favorite math class.  It was also my LAST math class...  There may or may not be a correlation.

Two of my favorite mathematical cartoon characters

Physics 4910: Technical Communication and Scientific Judgement
This class was so good and so tough.  I learned to get comfortable presenting to an audience, that group work is a bitch, and some people say "like" WAY too many times when they're publicly speaking.

Psychology 2800: Psychology of Love
Relationships are so damn complicated!!!  Also, it's very strange to be taking this class when beginning a new, albeit poor and pretty damn hopeless, relationship.

Psychology 3000: Statistical Methods in Psychology
Part of me is still angry I had to take this class for a psychology MINOR composed of classes which didn't even require the class as a prerequisite.  This would be the definition of a weed-out class.  I recommend taking it online if you have some self motivation.

Senior Year I `10 -`11

Art History 3600: The History of Photography
I LOVED this class.  I found even more photographs to love almost as much as Richard Avedon's Marilyn Monroe.  I wrote about them a while back.  I even posted a paper I wrote for this class - Today I Asked Why.

Nutrition 1020: Scientific Foundations of Nutrition and Health
This class left me thoroughly disappointed in our country.

Physics 3410: Modern Optics I & II
This class had one of the most time consuming labs ever...if you don't count the undergrad lab class.

Physics 5010: Theoretical Classical Mechanics and Quantum Mechanics
I withdrew from this class.  My life changed this semester...fucking kidney stone.

Physics 3730: Introduction to Computing in Physics
I never want to be a computer programmer.

Physics 5110: Introduction to Particle Physics
This professor takes the prize for the most difficult to understand.  Probably not an award of which one should be proud.

Senior Year II `11 -`12

Physics 5010: Theoretical Classical Mechanics and Quantum Mechanics
Yeah...this again.  Good thing I saved most of the material from last time.

Physics 3719: Undergraduate Laboratory
Thank HEAVEN for Jessica.  Oh, and thank you Whitney for explaining "the tone."

Physics 5020: Theoretical Electricity and Magnetism and Statistical Mechanics
This is bound to be pretty awful.

Psychology 3440: Personality Theory
This is bound to be pretty amazing.

---

So in the end, I deserve it, right?  Right.

I'm almost an official physicist!!!  Do you know what this means?  YOU will know a physicist.  Yep, you!

Thank you all!

Love,
Jason

Decisive Moment (Fulton Street)

Henri Cartier-Bresson's notion of the "decisive moment" in photography was inspired by words from Cardinal de Retz.  Retz's original words are, "Il n'y a rien dans ce monde qui n'ait un moment decisif."  Translated, "There is nothing in this world that does not have a decisive moment."

Here are some of my favorite moments decisively captured by some brilliant photographers:

by Henri Cartier-Bresson

The presence of people tends to create a "decisive moment" photograph.  How boring would this picture be without the person blurring by on their bicycle?!

Behind the Gare St. Lazare
by Henri Cartier-Bresson

I'm not sure what is happening here, nor am I sure how deep this water is, but the precision of capturing this moment just before  the man's heel hits the surface of the water is outstanding - not to mention his use of an extremely imprecise camera compared to today's cameras.  This is a perfect example of a "decisive moment."

If you're interested, this is a look through Cartier-Bresson's photobook The Decisive Moment:

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Girl in Fulton Street

by Walker Evans

Which "version" do you prefer?

I prefer the image on the right; I think it is more decisive.  I feel like it is taken moments after the image on the left, just after the two men in the foreground stepped out of the shot and the woman just slightly turns her gaze.

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by Brassaï

by Brassaï

I just love these two photos by Brassaï.  They're not traditional "decisive moment" photos because there is at least one subject in each of them staring right at the camera's lens - right at us.  He was obviously not taking these flash photographs in secret at 2am in dark at somewhat shady bars around Paris.  The subjects seem like direct participants in the capturing of these, or should I say their, moments.  Oh, and the 'kiss curls'...can't beat that.  Those will be back in style in no time.

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Woman on the Street with Her Eyes Closed
by Diane Arbus

Blinks don't last very long.  People also don't walk down the street with their eyes closed very often.  Was this taken during a blink?  How long did this blink last?  Was the woman standing with here eyes closed, taking in a deep breath of fresh air, before opening them again and continuing her stroll down the street?

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Loyalist militiaman at the moment of death,
Cerro Muriano, September 5, 1936
by Robert Capa

What could be a more decisive moment for a photographer than watching your subject get shot and ultimately die?  The constant moral dilemma of war photography: take the picture, or save the soldier?

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World's Fair, New York
by Garry Winogrand

You must click this picture and see it in its larger form.  Each individual person on this bench has a story, and it's really fun to make up their stories!

Untitled
by Garry Winogrand

I will never admit I know what is going on in this photograph, but it is definitely carrying the essence of "decisive moment."

Los Angeles, California
by Garry Winogrand

Oh the shadows!  Plus, the women, the man in the wheelchair, and the child turning to look at it all.  Just wonderful!

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Marilyn Monroe
by Richard Avedon

Surprise.  I bet you saw this coming.  I don't think I need to say more about this spectacular portrait than I already have. ;-)  My FAVORITE decisive moment.

See Richard Avedon's Marilyn Monroe and Today I Asked Why.

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Meudon
by André Kertész

The photograph on the far right is the one truly titled Meudon.  I wasn't a huge fan of this picture when I first saw it, but I became a fan when I saw this sequence of shots.  Meudon is the perfect example of a decisive moment.

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I will end the photographs with this:

Greta Garbo
by Edward Steichen

At first glance, this looks like a simple portrait - not a decisive moment.  But, according to my History of Photography professor, during this photoshoot, both Greta and Edward were getting a little bit frustrated.  Greta leaned on the backside of a chair with a "my hair is driving me crazy!" gesture pulling back her hair and resting her elbows on the back of the chair.  *snap*  Decisive moment.  Beautiful.

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Some of Life's Decisive Moments:

Saying "I love you" for the first time...and waiting for him to say something (anything!) back.

Just some personal experience speaking here.

What's wrong?"

If you're asked this, you're not hiding it very well.  Is it worth unloading it all?
Is it worth burdening this person with what is "wrong"?
Do they actually care?  Will they understand?
Will they judge?  Will they offer unsolicited advice?

Running a red light...

a yellow light...

a purple light.

Crash.  Bang.  911.

Let's catch the later movie; we're not going to make it in time.

Stepping into a street before the beeps for the blind.

It's stranger than fiction.

"Deciding to write a cute boy on Facebook." - RTH

Yes, I meet people online.

Top of a step ladder.

Tippie toes...bad idea.

Entering an elevator.

Will you make it?

Hitting "Send," Clicking "Publish," Pressing "Share," and "Tweet."

Social media is not, and will not, be the death of me.  It only brings life.

It brings it in so many different ways and gives me so many verb options

for getting it all out there for you to read.

"Do you want to be boyfriends?" - JLH

"Do you?"  *sigh*  "Yes..."

Will you marry me?

...

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Today I Asked Why

I wrote this story as a paper for my History of Photography class (ARTH 3600) in September 2010.

Writing dialogue is something I am not accustomed to.  There were voices in my head...each with distinct personalities.  The photographers in the conversation you are about to read are Timothy O'Sullivan, H.P. Robinson, and Julia Margaret Cameron.

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Today I Asked Why

“I’m late, I’m late, I’m late!” I loudly mutter as I run through the door to my café. I like to call it “my” café because the actual owner let me decorate the south wall with whatever I wanted. I don’t know…it makes it feel like mine. I chose nothing fancy, nothing too extravagant. This large wall has one single photograph. I dare say this photograph is the best portrait ever taken. But that’s just my humble opinion. The image enshrined on the south wall is none other than Richard Avedon’s Marilyn Monroe.

Beautiful, isn’t it? Isn’t she? The rawness in her posture and facial expression is rare enough to view in person, let alone capture in a photograph… Anyway, as I mentioned, I was late for work. As I ran inside, the opaque cloudy sky released itself and, in a heartbeat, it was pouring. As I stood in the doorway, I could already sense my boss wasn’t even upset I was late. Why? Because he knows what a downpour means: customers! A café is prime refuge from a deluge. I unexpectedly get nudged from behind. I turn around to see a dozen people under the awning wishing to get inside. I step out of the way as the customers quickly trickle inside.

Being the lowly busboy, I rush around the café gathering empty glasses, mugs, plates, and bowls, clearing room for our new wet customers. Once everyone was settled and we began to get a handle on things, I glanced to the south wall and smiled at Marilyn. Sitting at the table immediately across from her was an unusual trio of regular customers. I didn’t notice them come in with the thunderstorm rush…were they here before I arrived? Front row seat or not, they always watch Marilyn from wherever they lounge. Today I asked why.

“Why? Why?!?” the woman jokingly jeers back at me. “Because it’s so beautiful, so soft, so…haunting! It’s simply stunning!”

“I honestly don’t understand why you two like this picture so much,” the older gentleman interjects. “It’s just another plain picture of Marilyn Monroe. There are thousands of them and this one is no different. It’s not even artistic!” At this, the woman flushes an impatient shade of red but continues to sit and listen. The man continues, “Avedon just snapped this picture and did nothing to it – not one dodge, not a single trick, and not a thought of conjuration. A child could do that!”

The younger man lightheartedly steps in, “What is a ‘conjuration’ anyway?” The three of them laugh as the younger man looks back at me and says, “I’m Timothy, by the way.” He points to the other two and introduces them as Julia and H.P. I introduce myself as I grab a chair to sit with them. “Don’t let me interrupt,” I say. “This was just getting exciting!”

Julia draws us back into the conversation by asking H.P., “What would need to be different for you to accept this as a piece of art?”

“Oh, so many things!” he replies. “First, the picture should have been taken with her looking more cheerful and less awkward. Photography should elevate the subject and avoid such awkward forms.”

“But,” interjects Timothy, “that’s why I find this portrait to be so striking! Her ‘awkwardness’ makes this portrait different from her others. I haven’t taken many portraits myself, but I know a good one when I see one. Unfortunately, I instead know war. And I know how to capture it in a way to convey its horror and lack of glamour. My goal was never to romanticize such atrocities. I wanted to show the world the death and dread it produces. Avedon took a picture of a devastated battlefield here! Marilyn looks like a mess compared to the thousands of glamorous shots we typically see of her. Marilyn Monroe was a bombshell in so many ways and Avedon captured her post-detonation.”

Timothy’s passion causes the rest of us to sit in silent awe for a moment. Julia then slowly and softly breaks the silence saying, “As I’ve been listening,” her tone becoming more delighted, “I noticed how perfectly the sharpness of her face is balanced with the softness of everything else. You two would probably call the soft glow ‘out of focus.’ But what is focus – and who has a right to say what focus is the legitimate focus?”

H.P. jumps at this comment and says, “The blurriness of her torso would make it impossible to even use in a combination print. Much more planning and thought would have to be put into this portrait to make it useful in my art photography.”

“Planning and thought?” Timothy questions. “Words spoken by a man who photographs solely in his studio! When you’re out in the field documenting war or landscape, you record precisely what you see through the ground glass and do absolutely nothing to alter it.”

“I don’t alter the photographs, Timothy,” H.P. calmly rebuts, “I combine them. I am following the encouragement to ‘not merely amuse, but to instruct, purify, and ennoble’ with my art photography. I will admit, with the world now knowing Marilyn’s rather tragic story, this image could certainly be used in an allegory to educate the public. I just believe, for a portrait to be considered art, the ‘artist’ needs to have more involvement than simply pressing a button.”

“Allegories can be done without combination printing, you know,” says Julia. “You’ve seen my allegories. Yes, I did pose them, but I posed everything at once for a single photograph as to avoid combination printing. I find the printing process for a single photograph to be laborious enough... Printing from multiple negatives simultaneously would drive me bonkers! H.P., you said this portrait could possibly be used in an allegory. In my opinion, this portrait of Marilyn is an allegory on its own, combining my two favorite styles of art photography – portrait and allegory. However, Avedon didn’t pose her. It was completely unplanned. This singular moment could never be planned out in a studio for a combination print.”

“Exactly,” confirms Timothy. “Avedon’s Marilyn Monroe combines the real and the ideal, sacrificing nothing of Truth. So let us take it for what it is rather than trying to reinvent it. I really have to agree with Julia here…”

“I wouldn’t have expected any different, Timothy,” says H.P. with a smirk on his face. After a short pause, H.P. looks me in the eye and asks, “So, what do you think?”

“Me?” I hesitantly reply. “Well…um…I’m a little biased toward this photograph…”

Timothy laughs saying, “You think you’re biased? You’ve been listening to the conversation, haven’t you?” 

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Many ideas and quotations were borrowed from Beaumont Newhall’s The History of Photography, pages 73-78. Though they are not explicitly cited, most of the quotes and ideas are recognizable from class discussion alone. 

Those of you on Facebook, "Follow" me at http://jasonhoggan.blogspot.com/.

Burdened Bench

Hobos sleep

Kids climb

Women breastfeed

Lovers cuddle

Parents watch

Cats catnap

Dogs are tethered

Birds drop

Gossip whispers

Newspaper reads

Women womanized

Men hypermasculinized

Passers-by people-watched

Hair mocked

Clothing scoffed

Jealousy onlooks

Coworkers conspire

Strangers confide

Always vacant

Until needed

What a burden for slabs of wood and cast metal to uphold.

Inspired by:

Garry Winogrand
World's Fair
New York, 1964

 

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Accordion Man

I have a new banner at the top of my blog.  You may have noticed.  I'm rather proud of this picture.  I took this picture while I was in a digital photography class a couple of years ago.  It's no mystery I was taught how to use Photoshop because of this class, so I thought I would show you this picture in a "before and after" style.  "Before" is the original photograph - the digital negative.  "After" is my final cropped and edited version of the photo.  For those of you that don't know, if you click on a photo in a blog, you can see a big version of it.  I encourage this practice.  Enjoy.

The best part of this photo is the fact that I was walking, looking forward, holding my camera near the bottom of my ribcage with the lens aimed to my right side.  *click*  Got it.  Miracle.  Oh, and this guy is a redhead!

Before:

After:

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What to do...what to do?

I have desires burning deep inside my soul.
They burn so hot and so real...
     My flesh tingles and flushes, 
     My eyes swell and drip,
     My vocal cords seize and scream.

Physics, psychology, math, poly sci, astronomy, photography...
Have I chosen the right thing?

     I want to make a difference.
     I want to speak out.
     I want to speak up.  

But I'm terrified to do more than I already am.
What to do...what to do?

Do I want to be an "activist?"

What is an activist?

Am I already one?

     Can a physics major be a gay activist?

     A gay Mormon activist?

     A gay Mormon physics major activist?

Is that allowed?

Is it dangerous?

Is it treacherous to pursue?

Which side is more threatening anyway?

Of whom should I be more wary?
     Both?
     Neither?
     Have I already ruffled everyone's feathers?

Fence-sitting sounds so simple...

But it's not that easy.

     I still have fears.

     I still hesitate before saying I'm gay.

     I even hesitate before saying I'm Mormon. 

I have friends who don't understand, 

But who let me do my own thing;

No questions asked.

     Why don't they ask questions?

     With which part do they not agree?

It's exhausting to continually tailor my words

According to my company...

Do you know me?
Do you really know me?
Who do you think I am?
     Honestly.
I'm sorry, but,
     "You don’t know me,
      You don’t know me at all.
      You don’t know me,
      You don’t know me AT ALL."

I feel stuck.

Out of place.

Always wanting more gay friends...

     More straight friends...

     More Mormon friends...

     More gay Mormon friends...

                                              Who feel and think the way I do,

                                                   Truly,

                                              Not because it's the "right answer"

                                                   Or they can't make up their mind...
                        Who doesn't "really just want to watch each other sleep...
                        ...Sleep sleep sleep."

     More friends to occupy and distract my thoughts

From wandering and wondering what I wonder...

What to do...what to do?

I want to be in love.

I want to be head-over-heels.

I want to be wooed.

I want to want to woo.

I want a hand to hold. 

I want to care and not care.

When will I meet him?
Have I already met him?
Will I find him at school?
Work?
 Through a friend?

Would acting on my activism help me find my partner in crime?

                    I want to have the courage...                                                            

                    I want to have the strength...                                                           

                    I want to have the drive...                                                               

                    I want to have the reason...                                                             

                    I want to have the security...                                                           

                    I want to have the voice...                                                              

                    I want to have the sense...                                                              

                    I want to have the stamina...                                                           

                    I want to have the energy...                                                            

                    I want to have the support...                                                           

                    I want to have the enthusiasm...                                                      

                    I want to have the confidence...                                                      

to

                                                                                             end the hate.

                                                                                    end the ignorance.

                                                                                           end the abuse.

                                                                                         end the disgust.

                                                                                 end the self-loathing.

                                                                                               end the lies.

                                                                                        end the suicides.

                                                                                  end the helplessness.

                                                                                 end the hopelessness.
                                                                                        end the excuses.
                                                                                           end the doubt.
                                                                                             end the fear.

What to do...what to do?

Fearlessly be myself.

Jason 

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Mono Lessons (Part IX: 166-186)

You'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll thank God you don't have mono.

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166. The maximum amount of actually funny gay jokes has been reached.

167. Zombies are to Lindsey as Aliens are to me.

168. Allie can fit the rim of a midget Denny’s water glass in her mouth. Video proof has been captured.

169. Gay PDA in Utah is a personal safety risk.

170. An unusually large number of people are mistakenly told they have an enlarged heart.

171. Haiku is much better when in Zombie form.

172. It’s so much easier to date other Mormons.

173. Some people say to “live every week like it’s ‘Shark Week.’” I prefer to “live every week like it’s ‘Armageddon Week.”

174. I miss photography.

175. “I’ve learned how to cry and I’m better for that.” (from “Many the Miles” by Sara Bareilles)

176. Certain people are truly in the wrong line of work.

177. UTemps is my baby.

178. Hope.

179. The best medicine is laughing until it hurts. Then laughing until the hurt hurts. Then laughing until you are on the brink of crying because of the pain. Haha.

180. Arvilla is a name. A woman’s name. And she’s the best Denny’s server ever.

181. Grief and mourning is necessary for my survival, sanity, and peace of mind.

182. I have immense anger and resentment towards him for what has happened.

183. Freedom can be bittersweet.

184. Caffeine does a number on my entire body.

185. One Diet Coke can induce:

a. Heart arrhythmia

b. Hyperactivity

c. Attention deficit

d. Freezing cold hands – blood vessel constriction

e. Jitteriness

f. Racing thoughts

g. Increased heart rate

h. Anxiety associated with the heart arrhythmia

186. Never have caffeine again.

Jason

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