How do you do this to me?

How do you do this to me?
How can I hate your hurtful heart,
But sigh for your smell on my sheets?
How can I loath your lousy lies,
But crave your counterfeit concurrence?
How can I despise your desperate devotion,
But pine for your perpetual and palpable presence?

How do you do this to me?
Since when did I hand you my reins?
This is my life to live,
Not yours to subliminally destroy.
Since when did my brain
Allow thoughts of you to drain
My will, my power to let go?
How do you do this to me?

Why do I do this to me?
Why do I let this good-for-nothin' guilt
Cloud my already cockeyed comprehension?
Why do I fantasize the future we were facing,
Instead of soul-searching and stabilizing my self?
Why do I desire a darling,
But have a forever fleeting focus?

Why do I do this to me?
Since when did I lose control of my reins?
This is my life to live,
Not yours to subliminally control.
Since when did my brain
Allow thoughts of you to drain
My will, my power to let go?
How do you do this to me?

How do I forget your love?
How do I leave behind my own?
I'll never forget our years together.
The memories have pierced my soul.
But, it's over.
I miss you and will always love you.

How do you do this to me?
Since when did I hand you my reins?
This is my life to live,
Not yours to subliminally control.
Since when did my brain
Allow thoughts of you to drain
My will, my power to let go?
How do you do this to me?

How do you do this to me?

How do you do this to me?

Goodbye.

MONO Lessons (Part XXI: 420 - 439)

Meditatively Obtained, Novel, and Observational (MONO) Lessons

---

420. I don’t know what to do with my last name if/when I get married.  But I do know “Hoggan” won’t be leaving.  It’s far too awesome.

421. I want an equation, variable, or unit named after me.  “Then we take the Hoggan Cross Section…”  “Find the Hoggan wavelength of…”  “So after the algebra, we are left with 7 Hoggans…”  Yes.

422. Opera is not my thing.

423. “Little Women” is just a boring story.  Jo, grow up.

424. I should probably become a model.  It may be my true calling in life.

425. Depressed and anxious people shouldn’t have to split their depression and anxiety pills.  We need more size variety!

426. Seeing a car flip over in front of you due to another car running a red light causes intersection anxiety.

427. I’m in love.  He drives me insane, but I love him.  I’m in love.

428. I can go months without talking to someone and still know when they’re pulling an April Fools joke.

429. Gay marriage would be legal if it weren’t illegal.  Think about it.  That thought isn’t as stupid as it sounds.

430. Fortune cookies are disgusting.

431. Domes of fudge are splendid.

432. Hemorrhoids suck.

433. Sucker Punch…possibly too awesome?

434. Buckwheat is nasty.  Even in maple-glazed cold cereal form.

435. I will never need to purchase an obnoxiously large, loud, and window-tinted truck to make up for any lack of “manhood,” thank you.

436. I don’t drink enough water.

437. I’m a meat-eating vegan.  A carnivorous vegan, if you will.  …Aaaaaand you will.

438. When I get an intense blog idea, move out of the way.

439. I like butt chins.

Mirror Mirror

"Trust is like a mirror. You can fix it if it's broke, but you can still see the crack in that mother f***ing reflection." - SMT

How do you repair a mirror smashed into 64 billion pieces?

I guess the answer is: carefully...and with gloves so you don't cut yourself.

I forgot the gloves in my haste.

Once the mirror smashed, my first reaction was to hurry and put it back together as to see clearly again as soon as possible. But I cut up my hands and bled all over the poorly reconfigured puzzle. I couldn't see any clearer.

Crap. Now I have to re-break it if there's any hope of seeing clearly.

*smash*crash*crunch*

I can't do this again. I quit.

Trust forever betrayed.
Forgiveness never in sight.
Forever bandaging the wounds.
Never healing.
Always hurting.
Always bleeding.
What a mess.

Don't Be So Hard

"Don't be so hard on yourself."
It's not attractive.
It's not productive.

Your darkest bruises are from your own mind.

Do the blotches and scars help you heal?
Do they help you forget?
How about forgive?
Move on?
Or do they help you remember to punish yourself every second of every day?
To look in the mirror with pure hatred and disgust?
To regret what you did?
What you said?
What you didn't do?
What you didn't say?
Do they help you remember what you lost?
Do they help you remember how much you fucked up?

Don't be so hard on yourself.

Do the track marks lead you to any happiness?
Or only to more sorrow and depression?

Did you ever think you might enjoy the pain and drama more than peace and calm? What an unpleasant, painful way to live.

Lighten up. Live a little. Step out of your comfort corner.

Don't be so hard on yourself.

Daemon of The Past

Movies portray daemons in so many ways - some crawl, some swoop like ghosts, and some lurk faceless in the shadows. But the worst daemon of them all is The Past - unseen and non palpable.

Photo by CodingNinja

The Past terrorizes the mind like the ghosts of asylum patients haunt the halls of their former home.

The Past is a liar. It fools you into believing a hologram. It's fake. It's a façade hiding your mind's eye from reality and The Truth.

The Past makes you angry and bitter. It makes you blame everyone...everything...except yourself.

The Past asserts you had no control. It was his fault. It was her fault. If only he didn't do that...if only she didn't say that...then things would be better for ME.

The Past is denial.

But at the same time, The Past is guilt and self-loathing. The Past is worthlessness and hopelessness. The Past digs a pit of shame and throws you in, spiraling toward the invisible bottom.

Photo by brownspoon

The Past enjoys being construed, twisted, and morphed into whatever causes you the most possible pain.

The Past then wants you to awaken its brother daemons in the people around you. Spread the pain and suffering!

The Past is a kidney stone of the mind. The pain is excruciating. It can even feel like you may die.

The Past makes you sadder than you ever thought possible. It makes your tear ducts shrivel. It makes your sleep scarce and strenuous.

Photo by F l S f a h .. ❥

The Past wants to break free and become reality. It will convince you its freedom will be your solace, when in fact, it is your demise.

The Past breaks free with death - your death. The escape from its torture lies in your own hands. You must die to alleviate the depression, pain, and tormenting anxiety The Past inflicts.

Of course this isn't The Truth. The Past destroys hope, butchers faith, and mocks The Truth.

But The Truth knows self eradication will only cause more pain - for your soul and those you leave behind.

Photo by lorrainemd

The Truth may not be pretty, but it's not a big phony like The Past.

The Truth is now.
The Truth is here.

The Truth doesn't dabble with The Past.
The Truth doesn't fiddle with The Future.

The Truth is grace.
The Truth is the escape.
The Truth is happiness.
The Truth is Love.
The Truth is health and healing.

10 Things You Say & Ask That Are 10x More Offensive Than You Even Realize

Many would expect my first blog back from a month-long European excursion would have something to do with Europe...maybe even just a little.

This is not that blog.

Here are ten things you say and ask that are ten times more offensive than you even realize.

Enjoy!

1.  "Homo"

This word is like the "N-word" - just as it is oddly appropriate for one black person to call another black person the N-word, it is also oddly appropriate for one gay person to call another gay person a homo. If you're straight, you are automatically disqualified from using that word without it being offensive.

2.  "Fag"

Sometimes people think this word is like the "N-word." But it's not. This word is offensive no matter who says it - gay, straight, or otherwise. It's sole purpose is to be offensive. So, if you never want me to speak to you, make eye contact with you, or even acknowledge your existence any more, by all means, call me a fag.

3.  "So, who's the woman in the relationship?"

This question is infuriating and the explanation why is rather long, so hang in there. We must first start with a discussion on gender. What is gender - innate or learned? Most gender studies experts will tell you that the concept of gender is a societal phenomenon, meaning gender constructs (stereotypes) are created by the society at large and then projected onto each individual in the society. For example, it seems that boys play with trucks and girls play with dolls because society says so, not because that is necessarily the toy they truly want to play with.

The next discussion involves heteronormativity. We live in a heteronormative culture, meaning it is expected, essentially from birth, that boys are attracted to girls and girls are attracted to boys. Laws of marriage are an example of heteronormativity in our government. Our culture feels compelled, then, to compare everything not conforming to heteronormativity to their heteronormative experiences and stereotypes.

This is where we get to the offensiveness of questioning a member of a gay couple as to which one of them is the "woman" in the relationship: the obvious answer, and the correct answer, is NEITHER OF THEM. One of the requirements of being gay is that both members of the gay couple must be the same gender. That's kind of the point behind identifying as such.

3.1. "But you know what I mean...one is always more feminine..."

That may sometimes be true with your heteronormative definitions of "masculine" and "feminine," but you must know by now that most gays don't care much for gender stereotypes and almost definitely don't have the same archaic and ignorant view of gender as you.

Take a moment and ask yourself if you think gender is black and white with no gray. In my opinion, there is plenty of gray area - gender is a gradient of personality characteristics and ways in which one identifies with themself.  Did you know there are even some cultures that classify gays as a third gender? 

In short, we don't appreciate having your heteronormative way of thought imposed on our relationships. In my case, my BOYfriend and I both identify as male, and that's that. Have some respect.

4. "Are you the top or the bottom?"

This question is only (sometimes) appropriate for one gay to ask another gay. The question implies a lot of gender stereotypes when asked by a straight person. No, the top is not the "man" in the relationship and the bottom is not the "woman." Refer to number 3.

5.  "...gay friend..."

5.1. "I love having you as my gay friend!" OR "You're/He's my best gay friend!"

If you can't simply refer to me as your "friend," I'm sure as hell not going to be your "gay friend."

5.2. "I have a gay friend!"

Also, the fact that you might have a "gay friend" doesn't mean you and I are instantly friends nor does it undo any possible homophobia you possess.

5.2.1. "You would love my gay friend!"

Nor does it mean I need to be set up with your "gay friend."

6.  "No homo."

This pretty much explains it all:

7. "That's so gay."

"When say 'That's so gay,' do you realize what you say? Knock it off."

8. "Homosexual"

Strangely enough, the Safe Schools Coalition of Washington's Glossary for School Employees best describes this outrageously outdated term for what it really is:  offensive.

"Avoid this term; it is clinical, distancing, and archaic. Sometimes appropriate in referring to behavior (although same-sex is the preferred adjective). When referring to people, as opposed to behavior, homosexual is considered derogatory and the terms gay and lesbian are preferred..."

"Homosexual" focuses all attention on sex.  It's like the word becomes

homosexual.

Personally, I'm used to seeing this word in Mormon stuff on "same-sex attraction" or "SSA."  (Another term I find offensive.)  The Church, at one time, focused their anti-gay literature on sex.  Sex sex sex.  Since sex is taboo in general in the LDS Church, GAY sex is the ultimate taboo, so using words like

homosexual or same-sex attraction

remind the reader how bad it is to be a homosexual.  So now I know, If you use this word, you don't know what you're talking about and your words have no merit.  Being gay involves a lot more than just sex.

9.  "*offensive-foot-in-mouth-shit*...Oh you know what I mean!"

You know what?  I don't know what you mean.

In gay culture, word choice means a lot.  What's in a word?  Well, you can't call me a fag, but you can call me gay.  You can't call me a homo, but my boyfriend can call me a homo.  Nobody can call me a faggot, but you can sometimes call me queer.  But you sure as hell better not call me a homosexual.  I'm gay.  Get the idea?

There are a lot of words thrown around to describe or identify LGBTQ... people.  Some are universally offensive while some are nichely offensive (see that word I invented there?).  Some words aren't necessarily offensive, but better ones could be used in their place.

Both gays and straights could use some practice in honoring a person's chosen identity labels.  For example, I identify as a gay man.  That's a pretty boring statement if you've never been compelled to question your sexual orientation or gender before.  But for those of us that have, we know a statement like that is existence defining.  I know I am a man in a male body who is attracted to men.  I feel lucky to have never struggled with my gender identity, just my sexual identity.  Dealing with both sounds like a burden I couldn't handle.

All I'm trying to say here is to think before you speak.  Take your time and choose your words.  If you're unsure of how to say something as to not offend, then ASK.  Don't stick your foot in your mouth and expect a simple "You know what I mean!" to make up for it.

10.  Shit Girls Say To Gay Guys

And lastly, everything in this video:

My Health Update + ASEA

To my Family and Friends,

I know many of you out there have been concerned about my health over the past few years, so I wanted to give you a summary and an update on what has been going on.

It all started back in the summer of 2009 when I had my first huge outbreak of mono.  I discovered I in fact had mono 3 days before school started.  It was a tough semester and I kept getting sicker.

I then got tested for food sensitivities.  In short, I learned I am gluten intolerant as well as rather sensitive to dairy and eggs.  I began a gluten-, dairy-, and egg-free diet in February of 2010 and I'm still going strong!

I started to feel a lot better as 2010 progressed, but then I passed a kidney stone the second week of fall semester.

This seemed to spark another set of symptoms - specifically nasal allergies.  I got tested for mono again to see if I had a current infection...it came back negative.  I did end up having a sinus infection, but I also got tested for pollen allergies.  In short, I'm allergic to the majority of the Valley.

Then the motherload.  Depression and anxiety.  I have been taking prescription medication for my depression and anxiety for just over a year now.  The side effects sometimes seem worse than the original symptoms.

After a long time of continuing to feel miserable, both physically and emotionally, a miracle happened to our family.  His name is Dr. Stan Gardner.

I finally had a functional medicine doctor with a goal of helping his patients find alternatives to drugs and surgery.  My treatment with him began with nutritional IV's to help reboot my immune system and an alternative allergy therapy he calls AllDeSen.  Unfortunately, these treatments only reduced my symptoms by about 25%.

Dr. Gardner's "assistant", Caitlin, does most of the AllDeSen work.  I put her title in quotation marks because she is actually his daughter. ;-)  Caitlin is a sweetheart with magic fingers.  Not only does she do AllDeSen, but she also does massage and a form of energy work called  Jin Shin Jyutsu.  I will talk more about my experiences with this at a later time, but I can tell you right now that I wish I had been getting massages long before now and I am also a believer in energy work.

Now most recently, after some lab results returned, we decided to put me on a light thyroid hormone and an additional supplement to increase my dopamine levels.  But the thing I am MOST excited to try is a product called ASEA.

I know many of you reading this have been dealing with health issues yourselves.  I can empathize with you.  Being sick for an extended period of time is torturous.  It's still hard for me to believe I'm saying this, but ASEA has given me some hope!

Let me give a disclaimer:  Yes, I am signed up with ASEA in a way that will allow me to eventually distribute the product if I believe in it.  I am not in any way trying to push this on anybody.  I just barely started it myself.  Signing up as an ASEA Associate happened to be the most cost effective way for me to get going on the product.  But I will say, if it makes me feel better, I want to share it with you all!

To learn more about ASEA, head to my personalized link and look through the informative videos.  The videos explain the product way better than I can!

http://freeyourmind.teamasea.com/

I will keep you updated on my progress as much as I possibly can.  Please have it in your prayers that I can get healthy again!  You are all also in mine!

Please feel free to contact me if you'd like to talk more about any of the stuff I've mentioned.

I love you all!

Jason